Taking the time and having the discipline necessary to exercise and eat well can keep our bodies from breaking down prematurely. Everyone knows strong muscles, along with a healthy cardiovascular system, leads to overall better physical health.
The same is true when it comes to our maintaining our integrity – we need to put forth a proactive conditioning effort. It is through a never-ending, self-reflection process that we fine-tune our integrity, thus allowing us to create and ultimately leave behind a solid legacy. Looking in the mirror regularly and searching to see our faults and weaknesses is not a pleasant task but an essential one. It is by facing our brokenness that we can become better men.
And nowhere can we find better guidance for integrity and legacy development than with the Fruit of the Spirit outlined in Galatians 5: 22-23.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.”
I urge you to take a moment and carefully review these virtues. How well are you doing in each of those areas? Are you filled with love, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness? Do you have good patience and self-control?
To create an enduring legacy, we must practice the noble character traits outlined in the Fruit of the Spirit. We should commit ourselves to spend time each day reviewing these nine important principles and working to strengthen them within us.
By dedicating ourselves to the Fruit of the Spirit, not only will we cement our positive legacy, but we will find ourselves living more by Spiritual values as opposed to worldly ones. Unfortunately, today more than ever, men are being drawn into the dark world of pornography, which is a threat to their legacies. It is estimated that nearly 65% of all men view pornography at least once a month. And 3-5% of the U.S. male population struggles with a pornography addiction.
This Sunday is Father’s Day. If you are caught in the stronghold of pornography, please give your family the most valuable gift they could ever receive and get the help you need to break free from this darkness. And with this, you will be on the pathway to creating a strong and enduring legacy. And for that, the world will be a much better place.
“Why should I believe him,” Brenda asked me about her husband, who told her he has not watched pornography for more than nine months. “Tell me why I should trust his man just because he tells me he’s no longer watching it. I have heard him make these claims many times, only to have my heart broken again and again because he was lying.”
Women like Brenda have every right to question the sincerity of their partners, especially if there has been a history of lying, deceit, and gaslighting. It is challenging for them to forget the painful falsehoods and give their partner yet another opportunity.
So how do you know if your partner is on the road to recovery from his struggle? I believe you need to see the ‘new guy’ in your relationship.
“It’s so hard to believe he is telling me the truth when I see so many of the same behaviors,” said Kelly of her husband Carl, who used to spend endless hours late at night webcamming with escorts. “He’s not online late at night anymore, but still lies about small things, he doesn’t help me around the house, he never talks, and the phone is always in his hand. He is the same guy, except he says he’s no longer chatting with sluts. Sorry, but I don’t buy it.”
And there you have it. Carl may no longer be engaged in video chatting, but he is the same guy who was being unfaithful to Kelly. It’s no wonder she doesn’t trust him when he says he has changed. Because with the exception of removing the destructive online behavior, he has done nothing to change and become the man she would like him to be.
So, what is going on here?
In my private practice, where I work exclusively with men struggling with sexual and pornography addictions, I have identified significant character deficiencies that I believe plague all of these men. Looking at the chart below, you can see eight key issues that prevent men from becoming the ‘new guy’ and experiencing rewarding and joyful relationships.
The characteristics I have identified are:
Avoids emotional pain
Lacks curiosity
Struggles to connect
Inwardly focused (selfish)
Limited interests or passions
Low emotional IQ
Lacks mindfulness
Unresolved childhood pain points
Based on my work with this client population, I estimate that 90% of men who struggle with compulsive sex and pornography display at least six of these characteristics, and this causes issues when trying to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships. Moreover, I always believe at the root of these issues is a lack of proper nurturing during the critical development years of childhood.
A vast majority of these men had parents who could not nurture them or teach them how to deal with emotional distress. Without that importance guidance, these individuals were left to determine on their own how to cope with emotional pain and provide themselves with comfort. As children, with thinking that is emotionally based and without vast worldly experiences, they came up with a simple solution to this dilemma – I won’t think about it. So they distracted themselves with too much television, fantasy play, food, etc. Somewhere along the way they stumbled across sexual activity and discovered this was the most effective of all forms of distractions and stimulation. And it soon became their go-to drug to eliminate emotional distress.
Now, as adults, they still run away from emotional pain with destructive behaviors such as compulsive sex and pornography.
Men who wish to experience real joy and happiness in their relationships need to work on the character issues outlined above. They must strive to become better men, husbands, fathers, sons, coworkers, and friends. And it all starts by working on these eight characteristics.
In the coming weeks, I will be breaking down each of these areas and outlining steps and tools that can lead to these men toward becoming the new guy.
Everything seems to be shutting down and people are locking down as the Coronavirus spreads and government officials look to contain the disease. You can’t argue with the cautious methods being taken. But for individuals who struggle with, or recently have obtained sobriety from pornography, being confined at home could increase the risk for relapse. Why? Several reasons.
1. Anxiety Regarding the Unknown
Face it, some people are worried and others are out-right scared regarding the current situation. No one knows how long this crisis will last and what its impact will be not only regarding health, but also school, work and finances. These concerns most certainly could lead individuals to withdraw into the dark world of pornography to evade their worries.
2. Distraction from the negative news coverage.
It’s Coronavirus 24-7 with wall-to-wall coverage that is bombarding us. All of the negativity at some point, will lead many individuals to tune out the media coverage and replace it with something that will soothe and stimulate, such as pornography.
3. Escape from boredom.
This of course is the most obvious rationale for someone to reach out to pornography and masturbation. Most people are not use to sitting at home without uninterrupted periods of work and school. Losing the routine of going to work, school or engaging in social activities, is going to cause individuals to lack structure, which is essential for long-term recovery.
What is important during this unprecedent time is for those who struggle to be mindful that these emotionally trying circumstances could increase the risk of acting out. And with this insight, each individual should develop a strategy to help them deal with emotional triggers and temptations. This may include:
Participating in online and telephone support groups
Staying in contact with your sponsor or support team via electronic mediums
Ensuring you are limiting your access to electronic devices especially when you are feeling drained mentally, emotionally, physically or Spiritually
Spending quiet time in prayer and reflecting each morning on things that you are grateful for instead of focusing on the negativity surrounding us
This indeed may be a very challenging time for many who struggle not only with a pornography addiction, but with other addictive behaviors including smoking, eating, binge watching, etc. But it doesn’t mean you are facing certain failure. If you maintain your focus and create a new structure to adapt to the current situation you can find yourself beating the odds and defeating lust.
Now that most state legislative sessions are in full swing, we’ve been having a lot of great movement and updates with our initiatives. As you may know, we supremely focused on bringing attention and solutions to the proliferation of pornography in our country today. Check out what’s happening.
Ohio
Thanks to everyone’s recent support in reaching out to offices in Ohio for HR180 declaring pornography a crisis, and it passed out of committee! We had such a good response from people that had emailed and called legislators. It was humbling. The resolution will go back up for vote in a couple weeks and we will keep you informed with the progress!
Congress
Last month, we met with U.S. Congresswoman Vicky Hartzler regarding a federal solution to fighting pornography. Thanks to Russ White (CCV), and Donna Rice Hughes (EIE) for joining. It is time for the U.S. to take a big step to getting online pornography away from children, and thanks to all of those who have signed our petition calling for a federal age-verification solution. We are making great headway to make this a reality.
Tennessee
The Safer Internet for Minors Act has been introduced and is moving well. This bill will require Internet provider to filter obscene/pornographic websites by default for customers, and much needed parental control features with service. So far the public has been mostly kind with attention from the AFA, The Activist Mommy, Technical Politics, and more. The bill is set for a hearing the second week of March and we are excited about our champion legislators who are boldly moving this forward.
South Carolina
We are excited about the progress in South Carolina. Madeline Johnson, our University Director, has been working closely with State Representative Anne Thayer on drafting of the resolution declaring pornography a health crisis. Accompanied by her friend Colby Calloway, these two on-fire college students, are making such a difference. Madeline recently spoke at an event with legislators and garnered a handful of co-sponsors to the resolution.
Missouri
HCR 72 is headed to the Missouri House floor and will move to the Senate soon! This bill is way ahead of ideal schedule to be passed. Thanks to Uriah Stark for galvanizing this effort to officially recognize the health hazard of pornography. Also, because of the idea and organization efforts of Uriah, NDC held its first ever Rally for Decency with amazing speakers and advocates such as Russ Tuttle, Allissa Johnson, and more.
Would you like to join our team?
We are a passionate tight knit group of volunteers that join for a conference-call every other week and meet up yearly in the nation’s capital. For more information about joining the National Decency Coalition, go to: https://decencyusa.org/volunteer. We would love to have you be part of our team.
So how are you doing with the porn problem you keep saying you’re going to tackle? Are you still struggling? Are you attempting to keep it hidden from your family, friends, and co-workers? Are you still living with the shame of not being able to stop?
Well, you are far from alone. Millions of men are in the same predicament. Each time they succumb to the images, they promise themselves, “that was the last time.” But it’s not.
Studies show 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites, and 70% of men ages 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once per month. The most active group engaged in online porn is men, ages 35 and 49. It is estimated 3-5% of the population has a pornography addiction. I told you, you’re not alone.
For a fifth consecutive year, Men Against Porn is sponsoring its annual Give Up Lust for Lent campaign, where Christian men are encouraged to take the steps necessary to put them on the right pathway in managing their pornography problem.
Each year, the response to this campaign has been positive with men taking the leap to rid themselves of this decaying habit that wears upon their integrity and shakes their position as spiritual leaders of their home.
Once again, the season of Lent is upon us, and it’s time to ask men to exam their hearts and ask God for the strength to turn away from pornography, as well as illicit chat rooms, massage parlors, affairs, strip clubs, and other activities that demean women and dishonor their wives.
You may be shocked to know this addiction is not about sex but instead is an intimacy disorder. Men abuse sex to distract themselves from emotional distress that often is subconscious. In dealing with an addiction, understanding the root cause of why it developed is a significant factor in recovery.
As we enter the season of Lent here are several steps you can take to begin the process of removing a porn addiction from your life:
1. Admit your struggles.
Denial is a stumbling block for all addicts. The inability to see the potential destruction their actions cause leaves many people struggling needlessly. Ask God to help you examine your heart and make you aware that you need assistance. “Moreover, the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.” Deuteronomy 30: 6.
2. Ask for help.
Removing sexual sin from our lives is something we can’t do on our own. We need assistance and accountability. Seek out a trained professional and/or support group to help you get your journey going. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16
3. Do it now.
There will always be a reason to put it off, including the long-term rationale, “I will try harder and commit myself never to do it again.” But that approach rarely works. You need insight about yourself and why you use sex to soothe your emotional pain. You need to identify the core emotional triggers that lead to your acting out. You must create exit strategies that will help you escape temptation. It would be best if you had a community that will support, encourage, and, most importantly, provide accountability as you travel along in your journey.
4. Check our blogs and articles for resources.
Visit the MenAgainstPorn.org website and check out our blog for articles and resources that can assist you on your journey. Structure and self-care are essential components to beating this problem. We can show you how.
On Feb. 26, join your brothers in a mission to re-build your integrity and strengthen your legacy. Take the steps needed to honor yourself, your spouse, and God. Make a commitment to Give Up Lust for Lent.
