For those familiar with my therapeutic approach, you know I advocate for more than just behavioral change in men. I seek the transformation of their hearts. It is about embarking on a journey of profound personal change that requires intensive dedication and endless self-reflection. The results of this venture are life-changing and bring a great deal of personal contentment and joy not only for men but also for the partners they betrayed.
However, while men understand the importance of becoming and staying sober, they often struggle when it comes to softening their hearts to help their spouses heal from betrayal trauma.
It is common for men to express weariness over interrogation-like conversations with their spouses or their inability to comprehend how a good day can suddenly spiral into a nightmare. But what they fail to realize is the depth of the pain they have caused, along with a lack of understanding regarding the consequences of betrayal trauma. Their partners are struggling for answers and want to know, “How could you do this to me?”
Hurting partners are not seeking to remain stuck in their pain and anguish. Instead, they yearn for the return of peaceful and carefree days. However, their future mental health is contingent upon the efforts of those who have betrayed them to make them feel safe once more.
And that is the basic principle in the healing cycle – make her feel safe. If betrayers could grasp and implement this critical concept, many broken relationships could be restored.
Make. Her. Feel. Safe. That is the objective. When accomplished, healing can take place. Without it, misery will ensue.
So, what steps are required for a man who wants to get on the transformation pathway to make his spouse feel safe? There are many components but here are three starting points:
1. Break Through Your Hardened Heart
In the words of the Apostle Paul, “…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” Eph. 4: 22-24.
This practice entails a profound change in shifting away from childish thinking, emotions, and behaviors driven by unresolved childhood pain points. It requires developing confidence that you will always be inspired to do the right thing. This transformation involves breaking down the barriers of one’s heart that have been built to protect you from dealing with emotional discomfort. And as these barriers come down, they must be replaced with empathy, patience, love, self-control, and compassion.
An excellent way to soften your heart is to understand how it became callous in the first place. One way to accomplish this is by reading Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction or attending a Going Deeper workshop that takes place three times a year. Find out more at https://seekingintegrity.com/workgroups-and-lecture-series/going-deeper-workgroup-for-men.
2. Put Your Emotional Discomfort Aside and Focus on Her Emotional Pain
It is easy to become preoccupied with one’s emotional discomfort, but true healing begins when we shift our emphasis to stay focused on the pain our partners are experiencing. Easier said than done. But this is a central requirement if a betrayed partner is going to heal. You can no longer allow your pain to trump her pain. Instead, you must stay on her Pain Field and validate what she is experiencing. At the same time, you must have the energy and resolve to deal with what looks like hostility when, in fact, you are standing before pain and grieving.
This means actively listening to her concerns, acknowledging the hurt, and providing unwavering support as she navigates her healing journey. It requires setting aside your discomfort and prioritizing your partner’s emotional well-being above all else. This is done in part by regularly validating your partner’s emotions and being completely honest and transparent.
Go to www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si_dxL9Fo-c and watch my “10 Rules for Engaging a Grieving Partner” video for more insights on how to help her grieve.
3. Recognize the Impact of Your Actions or Inactions
Every action or inaction has consequences, especially in the context of a relationship. Therefore, it is crucial to consider how your words and behaviors affect your partner. Will your actions foster a sense of safety and security, or will they exacerbate fear and uncertainty? By taking responsibility for your actions and their potential impact on your partner, you can rebuild trust and create a safe foundation within the relationship.
Before making any decision, ask yourself, “How will this action or inaction impact my wife?” And wait to take any steps until you have an answer. If in doubt, reach out to your partner and share what action or inaction you are considering.
In conclusion, the journey toward healing and restoration in the aftermath of betrayal requires more than just behavioral changes; it demands a profound character transformation. Individuals can play a pivotal role in making their partners feel safe and secure by prioritizing empathy, compassion, and accountability. Only then can the path to healing truly begin. But it all begins with a commitment to authentic change.
Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs. He is the author of
Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots
Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction
Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love & Sex Addiction
Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love.
He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com. Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model at www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.
The definitions of the following two words come from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
Notice: to become aware of (something or someone)
Objectify: to treat as an object or cause to have objective reality
Why have I shared these definitions with you? Too often, those in recovery – both the betrayer and betrayed – get confused when determining whether or not the betrayer is struggling with street lust.
Let’s listen to a check-in that occurred between one recovering couple.
Wife: So, did you have any struggles today?
Husband: Well, I had one struggle when I stopped in a convenience store. A woman was standing off to the side, which I saw. I noticed she was attractive.
Wife: Did you look at her a second time?
Husband: No, I did not.
Wife: Then why did you say it was a struggle? You must have looked a second or third time if there was a struggle.
Husband: I saw her once and did not look for more than one second. I only observed that she was pretty and then moved on.
Wife: There must be more to the story because you told me that you were struggling, and if you thought you were struggling, that means you probably couldn’t get her out of your mind.
In this scenario, the husband did not struggle. But he believes he has done something wrong by looking in the direction of another woman and noticing her. Nothing could be further from the truth.
This husband’s actions signal a common misconception: equating noticing with struggling. However, the truth lies in discerning the intention and actions that follow the initial observation. Noticing someone’s attractiveness is a natural human response. Still, it is the subsequent behaviors that determine whether one has crossed the line into objectification.
Crossing the Line
However, if a husband engages in one of the following activities, he has moved beyond noticing and toward objectification.
1. Canvassing the area and actively scanning his surroundings for attractive individuals indicates a pursuit for visual stimulation. There is no room in recovery for people-watching. Instead, we must stay focused on our mission (why we are out in public) and redirect our attention when encountering someone attractive. The focus should turn back to our mission.
2. Turning back for a second or third look. When a man succumbs to the allure of an attractive person, dopamine amplifies, and he has crossed over into the world of objectification. Again, he has lost focus of his mission and allowed himself to be distracted.
3. You start checking out body parts. Now, this, too, is not a black-and-white situation. While it is inevitable to notice physical attributes, fixating on a woman in yoga pants is crossing the line. That is why it is critical to shift your attention and focus elsewhere. But I have worked with men who have been convinced if they saw part of a woman’s body, they are lusting. This is not true. In this case, when a man sees a woman whose clothing reveals parts of her body, he should calmly turn away and re-shift his attention. It does not become objectification until a man starts to objectify and fantasize.
4. You later use the image of the woman to fantasize and perhaps masturbate. Utilizing mental images of individuals you had earlier observed solidifies the objectification process. If you refrain from indulging in fantasy, you honor others and build your integrity muscle.
Summing It Up
Being able to distinguish between noticing and objectifying is critical for a man in recovery who wants to keep his partner feeling secure. But to accomplish this objective, he must engage in mindfulness and commit to respectfully acknowledge those around him. This commitment must identify the inherent worth of every individual he sees during his missions. Forget about bouncing your eyes and instead focus on seeing people as people and not objects.
“I have not looked at porn in over two years,” said Timmy, who has been married for 23 years and has struggled with pornography since he was 14. “But my wife still pays very little attention to me and will not reconcile sexually. It’s frustrating, and I have no idea what to do.”
Listening to Timmy, many counselors may be sympathetic toward his situation. Here is a man who has done the recovery work to remain pure from porn, yet his wife remains disengaged. Based on Timmy‘s input, some clinicians would be sympathetic toward him while condemning his wife’s actions. However, I have seen this scenario far too many times to jump to that conclusion.
You see, Timmy is one of those men who believes if he is no longer engaging in destructive behaviors, the relationship between him and his wife should be restored. However, he could not be more wrong. No longer engaging in pornography alone will not make a large majority of betrayed mates feel safe. So why is that?
Because while men like Timmy may have eliminated their bad behaviors, good behaviors that build relationships and encourage closeness are usually not exhibited. Let’s go back to Timmy’s situation.
Speaking to his wife, Taylor, she says although Timmy reports no longer looking at pornography, he is still very defensive, continuously checking his cell phone and not engaging with her and the children the way she would like despite numerous requests. Therefore, She refuses to move toward him because she does not trust he has stopped looking at pornography.
“He told me he is no longer doing that, and therefore I should believe it,” she told me. “But none of his other behaviors, which were just as troubling, have changed. I don’t see him making any positive behavioral changes that would make me feel more secure. And if he is not changing in other areas, why should I believe he no longer looks at porn?”
Who could argue with that? I certainly could not. A man in recovery needs to understand no longer engaging in bad behaviors is not enough to restore his relationship. Instead, his mate is looking to see a transformed heart and new actions that demonstrate selflessness.
The most effective way to help someone who is betrayed is through consistent actions that show “I am invested in us”. Actions such as being outwardly focused, emotionally engaged, curious, mindful, and completely transparent, to name a few. The only way to demonstrate to your partner a commitment to being faithful moving forward is by showing her a renewed heart focused on loving and honoring her always.
In my upcoming book entitled Why Men Struggle To Love, you will learn why BEING SOBER IS NOT ENOUGH and understand how to develop a transformed heart. Now available at Amazon.
Join Us For a Special Virtual Retreat Weekend Feb. 26-28
Tired of constant failure when it comes to defeating your porn/sex addiction? Are you struggling to emotionally connect and engage with loved ones? Well, there is real help available for you.
Husband Material is sponsoring a virtual retreat that will focus on helping individuals overcome porn/sex addiction and how to learn to be more emotionally connected with other.
Dr. Eddie Capparucci will demonstrate how unresolved childhood pain points lead to addictive behaviors. He also will be sharing his work in the development of the 14 Blind Spots that inhibit an individual’s ability to foster healthy intimate relationships.
The retreat will also consist of small group discussions and various exercises designed to help you gain more insight regarding “why” you think, feel and do the things you do. Check out the video below to see the group leaders who will be participating. You can learn more about the retreat by visiting www.husbandmaterial.com/retreat.
You may think the bullying you endured in middle school is far behind you. Or the insults hurled by your mother are a thing of the past. Or the beatings you took from your older sibling have been long forgotten.
But that may not be the case. In fact, a large majority of individuals who struggle with sexual or pornography addictions have unresolved childhood pain points that still haunt them today.
They encountered negative events that activate suppressed memories of emotional, mental, or physical distress suffered as children. Although the pain endures was bad enough, what made the situation worse is caregivers did not comfort these individuals in their time of need. For many reasons, parents were not emotionally available to help soothe the distress and teach that the pain will not last forever.
Instead, these children had to face traumatic events alone and their solution to dealing with the distress was to not think about the situation. And to accomplish this, they learned to distract themselves with too much television, food, or fantasy. With this defense mechanism, they had entered the beginning phase of what would become behaviors that lead to addictions.
The following is part one of a two-part interview that details how the Inner Child uses our childhood pain points to drive our sexual or pornography addictions.
