Everything seems to be shutting down and people are locking down as the Coronavirus spreads and government officials look to contain the disease. You can’t argue with the cautious methods being taken. But for individuals who struggle with, or recently have obtained sobriety from pornography, being confined at home could increase the risk for relapse. Why? Several reasons.
1. Anxiety Regarding the Unknown
Face it, some people are worried and others are out-right scared regarding the current situation. No one knows how long this crisis will last and what its impact will be not only regarding health, but also school, work and finances. These concerns most certainly could lead individuals to withdraw into the dark world of pornography to evade their worries.
2. Distraction from the negative news coverage.
It’s Coronavirus 24-7 with wall-to-wall coverage that is bombarding us. All of the negativity at some point, will lead many individuals to tune out the media coverage and replace it with something that will soothe and stimulate, such as pornography.
3. Escape from boredom.
This of course is the most obvious rationale for someone to reach out to pornography and masturbation. Most people are not use to sitting at home without uninterrupted periods of work and school. Losing the routine of going to work, school or engaging in social activities, is going to cause individuals to lack structure, which is essential for long-term recovery.
What is important during this unprecedent time is for those who struggle to be mindful that these emotionally trying circumstances could increase the risk of acting out. And with this insight, each individual should develop a strategy to help them deal with emotional triggers and temptations. This may include:
- Participating in online and telephone support groups
- Staying in contact with your sponsor or support team via electronic mediums
- Ensuring you are limiting your access to electronic devices especially when you are feeling drained mentally, emotionally, physically or Spiritually
- Spending quiet time in prayer and reflecting each morning on things that you are grateful for instead of focusing on the negativity surrounding us
This indeed may be a very challenging time for many who struggle not only with a pornography addiction, but with other addictive behaviors including smoking, eating, binge watching, etc. But it doesn’t mean you are facing certain failure. If you maintain your focus and create a new structure to adapt to the current situation you can find yourself beating the odds and defeating lust.
By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS
An article in the popular magazine Women’s Health outlined three reasons why couples should watch pornography together. Obviously, the writers and editors of Women’s Health don’t have a lot of experience in seeing how couples who watch pornography together can quickly see the erosion of their relationships.
Carla and Jonah started counseling after she found sexually graphic text messages that he had been sending to women he met in chat rooms. He would later confess to her that he had had online sexual encounters with three different women in which he would masturbate while reading the erotic text they exchanged back and forward.
Carla was devastated and rightfully, so felt betrayed and humiliated. She could not understand how Jonah would need to engage in such activities especially since they had an active sex life that included watching pornography together on a regular basis. What she did not realize was she was enabling his sexual addiction by condoning the use of pornography.
Abusing sex with activities such as pornography provides a level of stimulation for men that they don’t achieve with their partner. Therefore, in order to heighten sexual intimacy between a man and a woman, there should be no outside stimulus that interferes with the natural bond that God designed.
Getting back to the Women’s Health article, the first reason for encouraging couples to watch porn together is, so the male partner doesn’t have to hide his addiction. I could not agree more. Men should not be hiding their pornography addiction, but instead, they should be encouraged to bring it out of the darkness and into the light. And once in the light, they can see pornography serves as a distraction from emotional distress they are suppressing.
A woman who discovers her husband has been secretly watching pornography and agrees to start viewing it with him immediately raises a red flag for me. There is one of two things going on with that woman. Either she is afraid that telling him she doesn’t want him watching porn will drive him away from her, or she has suffered from emotional and/or physical trauma in the past that has left her seeing nothing wrong with women being used and humiliated. Each time she watches pornography with her partner, another small piece of her dignity is stripped away.
Reason number two given for couples to view porn is “it can turn you on big time.” They are right pornography is designed to mentally and physically stimulate people. However, the point being overlooked is people are designed to stimulate people. Individuals who build a relationship based on true emotional intimacy discover they also have a strong physical attraction for each other. This is a natural response God designed for us to experience.
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19
It is your wife’s breasts that should satisfy you and not looking at another woman’s breasts. There is something very strange about the concept of preferring to watch a woman on video while you are in the presence of a real one. Basically, what this says is the emotional bond between those couples is not fully attached. And over time the likelihood of further emotional separation is extremely high.
According to Women’s Health, the final reason for couples to watch pornography together is it will “inspire you to speak up in bed.” Basically, couples are being told they need outside stimuli in their relationship in order to have the courage to discuss sex. But again, if a couple is struggling in communicating to each other their sexual needs and desires, it is most likely a sign they struggling with their communication in other areas of their relationship.
Pornography-sex lacks genuine connection. It is not possible to be entirely focused on your partner if you are engaging in pornography. And if a couple is not engaged with each other in the bedroom there is a very strong chance they are not fully connected outside of the bedroom. Instead of bringing pornography into your bedroom consider bringing God into your marriage.
“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12
Introducing God to your marriage will open your eyes to a new way of connecting with each other, both emotionally and physically. There will be no need for the three-ring circus in the bedroom, but instead, you will find gratification and wholeness in each other.
Couples and pornography simply don’t mix. Just ask someone like Carla.
Eddie Capparucci is a licensed, Christian counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA, and he specializes in the treatment of sexual and pornography addiction. You can see more of his writing at www.SexuallyPureMen.com. His latest book, “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” will be released in February 2020.
By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS
“I don’t want to be here,” said Amanda shaking her head slowly with tears running down her cheeks. “Three days ago, I was a care-free wife, and today I’m in a counseling office next to a man who supposedly is my loving and faithful husband, but instead I find out he looks at porn and has been with prostitutes. I didn’t sign up for this. This wasn’t the life I was promised by him!”
Unfortunately, with the rapid increase in the number of sexual and pornography addiction cases, more wives are waking up from what they thought was a dream marriage only to discover they have landed in the middle of a dark and ugly Grimms’ fairy-tale. The shock of having your safe and peaceful world collapse around you leaves a woman in a state of trauma as she discovers her husband’s sexual wrongdoings and deception.
“I don’t know my husband,” said Kaye, whose husband admitted to having countless one-night encounters with women he met on hook-up apps. “Twenty-two years of a sham marriage. It meant nothing to him. It was all lies, and I was too naive to recognize it. Stupid me.”
To our wives, we’re no longer white knights, but instead, we look like ogres. So, what now?
Our goal is to work in helping our wives to one day experience a new sense of security and certainy. A security that is demonstrated in our ability to manage our sexual/porn addiction; and certainty that is shown in our commitment to become the “new guy,” who possesses a changed heart and priorities that focus on her and family.
So, how do we achieve this? Well, here are just four ideas to get you started.
1. We practice honesty, honesty, honesty. Our wives should expect and deserve nothing less from us. But this new transparency reaches far beyond our openness with any sexual struggles and should cover all aspects of our lives. We hide nothing and share everything. There are no more secrets. And we don’t hold back information in fear of their response. We’re an open book.
2. We become outwardly focus. For too long, most of us have been running through life with our heads down and trapped in our own heads. It’s now time to lift our heads high and become alert and focused on our surroundings and especially the needs and desires of those we love. After God, they become our most important commitment.
3. We learn to express our emotions. Yikes! Yes, it’s the “e” word, but it’s one of the most critical aspects to recovery and helping our wives feel secure. Knowing how to identify and express our emotions – beyond anger, sadness, happiness, and fear – shows we are holding nothing back and that we genuinely want to be in a relationship rooted in emotional intimacy. Now we’re talking about real change.
4. We’re willing to sit with her pain. Here is where too many guys fail to make the grade. I call it walking into the fire (see my previous article on this subject). During her recovery, you may see times where everything has calmed down, which may give you the impression that she’s healed. You couldn’t be more wrong. That is why it’s essential during these times to reach out and ask her about her healing process. Stop laughing. I’m serious. That’s why I call it walking into the fire because you probably are going to get burnt. But the risk is worth the reward because the underlining message you send her is, “I will sit here with you in your pain.” And believe me, that’s huge.
There’s no doubt we have crushed her world. We have disappointed and betrayed. However, we can’t stay stuck in feelings of guilt and shame. Instead, we must move forward by taking positive actions that over time, will once again provide her with a sense of security. And that takes time, hard work, and patience on our part. If we are committed to changing our heart, together we have the opportunity to live out the marriage she always dreamed of.
Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS is a licensed professional counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA. He is certified in the treatment of sexual and pornography addiction. He is the author of the book, Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. His latest book, “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” will be published in February 2020.
Part One
I struggled with porn addiction for years before I realized that certain moments, thoughts, people, or places were triggers that ignited my desire and drove my decision-making process. I know them now, and I have to be ready for them.
A couple of trigger and traps are:
- Seasons of life that are particularly demanding and/or taxing.
- Transitions in life such as a new place of work or a new move.
- Moments or days after I have expended a large amount of emotional energy on a task or project.
Any of the moments described above are potential triggers and traps that can trick me into believing porn is a necessary escape.
I am not sure what your triggers and traps are, but I know you have them.
So, I am going present four areas of potential triggers and traps in the hope that reading them will awaken you to and keep you aware of your own.
In my own journey, awareness of these triggers and traps has provided firm footing on which to stand and has enabled me to live a robust and wonderfully healthy post-porn addiction life!
Triggers and Traps
- The Trying Season. The American Psychological Association reports that nearly 70% of us believe stress has an impact on our physical well-being.[i] I wonder if we realize the impact of stress on our mental and emotional health? While stress is the norm for many, highly stressful seasons of life are the experience of every one of us.
Consider two dominant areas of life experience:
- Relational. This is life with friends or family, pending life stage and development.
- Work/Education. This is the area of life that likely occupies most of your time. For those in a career, it means a job. For those who are students it means school work, life and all the activities that come with being a student in your typical academic setting.
In both areas, relationships and work, formation and deformation are happening all the time. For example: when you work hard and receive a promotion or pay raise, you experience formation. Your energies are rewarded and recognized by your colleagues, which gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment. The experience of pride and accomplishment help form our sense of personhood, plac’dness, and purpose in our world. In moments like these, ones of value, esteem and recognition, something sacred is at work. It’s as if places in us – often places we aren’t even aware exist – are being shaped and formed.
In such moments, we experience joy and fulfillment. While this is a beautiful moment that brings hope, it is also accompanied by subtle but certain stressors. Intuitively, we begin to entertain thoughts like these:
Wow, what is this going to do for my career in the long run? More success, more money, more stuff, more hours at work?
What’s my spouse going to think about this? Does this mean I have to put in that pool he has been nagging me to put in these past two years?
How will this impact my relationship with my colleagues?
Yes.
Even in moments of joy and celebration, stress begins to build. Most of the stress is, of course, self-inflicted, but that’s not the point.
The point is that stress begins to build during moments we would not expect it to build.
If we don’t awaken to this reality, it will grow over time and become the dominate narrative from which we live.
Soon, we are in the midst of a Trying Season and we aren’t quite sure how we even got there.
As stress builds anxiety increases.
As anxiety increases, frustration takes hold.
As frustration takes hold, conflict – both internal and external – grows.
As conflict grows, stress becomes the norm.
When stress becomes the norm, we sense a growing need to escape reality and relieve all the tension. The Trying Season then falls prey to porn’s opportunistic pull and we act out.
We click that web page that offers total satisfaction with very little investment.
We hunt, really scour, the World Wide Web. Hoping to find that caring companion who will, for just a small amount of our hard-earned money, ease away the pain, if only for a while.
We stroll into that massage parlor that everyone knows offers more than back rubs and seek to receive a solace our stressed out lives fail to provide.
You get the picture.
Porn’s power is weaponized in the midst of Trying Seasons and stressful realities.
In our next post, I will share a host of ways I’ve learned to combat the weaponization of porn and to decrease its power in my life!
Biz Gainey
Men Against Porn
[i] http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2012/impact.aspx
We know that porn addicts can break free from the addiction by replacing old habits with new ones. Scientific studies are revealing how our neural pathways can be re-routed and re-directed.
The ultimate goal is not that we just quit porn, through behavior modification. Those who’ve tried (haven’t we all?) behavior modification find that such efforts fall short – again, and again, and again.
We are after nothing less than a renovation of the heart.
Renovations take time. Have you ever done a home renovation? Then you know what I mean. Renovations begin with a vision of a preferable future. Take a room you’d like to update, for example. You first ‘see’ what the room could be. You imagine new cabinets, pain, decor, etc.
A renovation of the heart begins in the heart, as we imagine – dream of – a different future. Really, it’s a picture of what the heart could be if it weren’t hooked on porn.
In other words, freedom from porn begins with a vision large enough to replace and rebuild the vision porn consumption has stolen from you!
This week, I’d like to challenge you to imagine a new life.
What would that life look like?
Take some time and answer the following questions. These might help you identify practices and habits that will lead you into freedom.
- What would my relationships feel like, look like, and sound like, if I weren’t trapped in porn? How would my relational quality improve?
- How would I spend my time with my wife, husband, children, neighbors, colleagues, etc., if my heart weren’t occupied by porn?
- What might I do with my new-found free time? What talents, strengths, gifts, hobbies could I explore with the time I once spent consuming porn?
Take about 10 minutes and record your answers to these questions. Keep them before you and begin moving toward them.
While this Renovation of Your Heart may take some time – as all long-lasting renovations do – it begins with a vision that propels you further and keeps you going when the going gets tough!
Let us know how we can help!
Biz@menagainstporn.org
“Believing for and Striving Toward the Eradication of Porn in Our Lifetime!”
