By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS
For those familiar with my therapeutic approach, you know I advocate for more than just behavioral change in men. I seek the transformation of their hearts. It is about embarking on a journey of profound personal change that requires intensive dedication and endless self-reflection. The results of this venture are life-changing and bring a great deal of personal contentment and joy not only for men but also for the partners they betrayed.
However, while men understand the importance of becoming and staying sober, they often struggle when it comes to softening their hearts to help their spouses heal from betrayal trauma.
It is common for men to express weariness over interrogation-like conversations with their spouses or their inability to comprehend how a good day can suddenly spiral into a nightmare. But what they fail to realize is the depth of the pain they have caused, along with a lack of understanding regarding the consequences of betrayal trauma. Their partners are struggling for answers and want to know, “How could you do this to me?”
Hurting partners are not seeking to remain stuck in their pain and anguish. Instead, they yearn for the return of peaceful and carefree days. However, their future mental health is contingent upon the efforts of those who have betrayed them to make them feel safe once more.
And that is the basic principle in the healing cycle – make her feel safe. If betrayers could grasp and implement this critical concept, many broken relationships could be restored.
Make. Her. Feel. Safe. That is the objective. When accomplished, healing can take place. Without it, misery will ensue.
So, what steps are required for a man who wants to get on the transformation pathway to make his spouse feel safe? There are many components but here are three starting points:
1. Break Through Your Hardened Heart
In the words of the Apostle Paul, “…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” Eph. 4: 22-24.
This practice entails a profound change in shifting away from childish thinking, emotions, and behaviors driven by unresolved childhood pain points. It requires developing confidence that you will always be inspired to do the right thing. This transformation involves breaking down the barriers of one’s heart that have been built to protect you from dealing with emotional discomfort. And as these barriers come down, they must be replaced with empathy, patience, love, self-control, and compassion.
An excellent way to soften your heart is to understand how it became callous in the first place. One way to accomplish this is by reading Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction or attending a Going Deeper workshop that takes place three times a year. Find out more at https://seekingintegrity.com/workgroups-and-lecture-series/going-deeper-workgroup-for-men.
2. Put Your Emotional Discomfort Aside and Focus on Her Emotional Pain
It is easy to become preoccupied with one’s emotional discomfort, but true healing begins when we shift our emphasis to stay focused on the pain our partners are experiencing. Easier said than done. But this is a central requirement if a betrayed partner is going to heal. You can no longer allow your pain to trump her pain. Instead, you must stay on her Pain Field and validate what she is experiencing. At the same time, you must have the energy and resolve to deal with what looks like hostility when, in fact, you are standing before pain and grieving.
This means actively listening to her concerns, acknowledging the hurt, and providing unwavering support as she navigates her healing journey. It requires setting aside your discomfort and prioritizing your partner’s emotional well-being above all else. This is done in part by regularly validating your partner’s emotions and being completely honest and transparent.
Go to www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si_dxL9Fo-c and watch my “10 Rules for Engaging a Grieving Partner” video for more insights on how to help her grieve.
3. Recognize the Impact of Your Actions or Inactions
Every action or inaction has consequences, especially in the context of a relationship. Therefore, it is crucial to consider how your words and behaviors affect your partner. Will your actions foster a sense of safety and security, or will they exacerbate fear and uncertainty? By taking responsibility for your actions and their potential impact on your partner, you can rebuild trust and create a safe foundation within the relationship.
Before making any decision, ask yourself, “How will this action or inaction impact my wife?” And wait to take any steps until you have an answer. If in doubt, reach out to your partner and share what action or inaction you are considering.
In conclusion, the journey toward healing and restoration in the aftermath of betrayal requires more than just behavioral changes; it demands a profound character transformation. Individuals can play a pivotal role in making their partners feel safe and secure by prioritizing empathy, compassion, and accountability. Only then can the path to healing truly begin. But it all begins with a commitment to authentic change.
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Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs. He is the author of
- Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
- Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots
- Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction
- Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love & Sex Addiction
- Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love.
He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com. Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model at www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.
Take a listen to this podcast from the folks at AffairRecovery.com and learn “why” we do the things we don’t want to do. Discover how you can become empowered by understanding the rationales behind your sexual behaviors and how to stop them by staying one step ahead of the Inner Child.
No more do you need to wonder “why” has sex had a stronghold on my life. You can now discover the answers that will help you manage your sex or porn addiction. And when you are done watching the video go to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com to learn more and to sign up for our newsletter.
Everything seems to be shutting down and people are locking down as the Coronavirus spreads and government officials look to contain the disease. You can’t argue with the cautious methods being taken. But for individuals who struggle with, or recently have obtained sobriety from pornography, being confined at home could increase the risk for relapse. Why? Several reasons.
1. Anxiety Regarding the Unknown
Face it, some people are worried and others are out-right scared regarding the current situation. No one knows how long this crisis will last and what its impact will be not only regarding health, but also school, work and finances. These concerns most certainly could lead individuals to withdraw into the dark world of pornography to evade their worries.
2. Distraction from the negative news coverage.
It’s Coronavirus 24-7 with wall-to-wall coverage that is bombarding us. All of the negativity at some point, will lead many individuals to tune out the media coverage and replace it with something that will soothe and stimulate, such as pornography.
3. Escape from boredom.
This of course is the most obvious rationale for someone to reach out to pornography and masturbation. Most people are not use to sitting at home without uninterrupted periods of work and school. Losing the routine of going to work, school or engaging in social activities, is going to cause individuals to lack structure, which is essential for long-term recovery.
What is important during this unprecedent time is for those who struggle to be mindful that these emotionally trying circumstances could increase the risk of acting out. And with this insight, each individual should develop a strategy to help them deal with emotional triggers and temptations. This may include:
- Participating in online and telephone support groups
- Staying in contact with your sponsor or support team via electronic mediums
- Ensuring you are limiting your access to electronic devices especially when you are feeling drained mentally, emotionally, physically or Spiritually
- Spending quiet time in prayer and reflecting each morning on things that you are grateful for instead of focusing on the negativity surrounding us
This indeed may be a very challenging time for many who struggle not only with a pornography addiction, but with other addictive behaviors including smoking, eating, binge watching, etc. But it doesn’t mean you are facing certain failure. If you maintain your focus and create a new structure to adapt to the current situation you can find yourself beating the odds and defeating lust.
So how are you doing with the porn problem you keep saying you’re going to tackle? Are you still struggling? Are you attempting to keep it hidden from your family, friends, and co-workers? Are you still living with the shame of not being able to stop?
Well, you are far from alone. Millions of men are in the same predicament. Each time they succumb to the images, they promise themselves, “that was the last time.” But it’s not.
Studies show 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites, and 70% of men ages 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once per month. The most active group engaged in online porn is men, ages 35 and 49. It is estimated 3-5% of the population has a pornography addiction. I told you, you’re not alone.
For a fifth consecutive year, Men Against Porn is sponsoring its annual Give Up Lust for Lent campaign, where Christian men are encouraged to take the steps necessary to put them on the right pathway in managing their pornography problem.
Each year, the response to this campaign has been positive with men taking the leap to rid themselves of this decaying habit that wears upon their integrity and shakes their position as spiritual leaders of their home.
Once again, the season of Lent is upon us, and it’s time to ask men to exam their hearts and ask God for the strength to turn away from pornography, as well as illicit chat rooms, massage parlors, affairs, strip clubs, and other activities that demean women and dishonor their wives.
You may be shocked to know this addiction is not about sex but instead is an intimacy disorder. Men abuse sex to distract themselves from emotional distress that often is subconscious. In dealing with an addiction, understanding the root cause of why it developed is a significant factor in recovery.
As we enter the season of Lent here are several steps you can take to begin the process of removing a porn addiction from your life:
1. Admit your struggles.
Denial is a stumbling block for all addicts. The inability to see the potential destruction their actions cause leaves many people struggling needlessly. Ask God to help you examine your heart and make you aware that you need assistance. “Moreover, the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.” Deuteronomy 30: 6.
2. Ask for help.
Removing sexual sin from our lives is something we can’t do on our own. We need assistance and accountability. Seek out a trained professional and/or support group to help you get your journey going. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16
3. Do it now.
There will always be a reason to put it off, including the long-term rationale, “I will try harder and commit myself never to do it again.” But that approach rarely works. You need insight about yourself and why you use sex to soothe your emotional pain. You need to identify the core emotional triggers that lead to your acting out. You must create exit strategies that will help you escape temptation. It would be best if you had a community that will support, encourage, and, most importantly, provide accountability as you travel
along in your journey.
4. Check our blogs and articles for resources.
Visit the MenAgainstPorn.org website and check out our blog for articles and resources that can assist you on your journey. Structure and self-care are essential components to beating this problem. We can show you how.
On Feb. 26, join your brothers in a mission to re-build your integrity and strengthen your legacy. Take the steps needed to honor yourself, your spouse, and God. Make a commitment to Give Up Lust for Lent.
Dr. Joe Martin
My son once asked me, “Dad, if you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?” To his surprise, I said, “I wish I would have told someone sooner about the sexual abuse I suffered and endured as a child for 3 years.”
Kendall wasn’t as surprised by what I said as he was by what I didn’t say. I didn’t tell him I would’ve change any of the following:
· My father abandoning me when I was 2 years old
· My mother abusing throughout my childhood years
· His mother divorcing me after my porn addiction and multiple affairs
· Or even the family member abusing me
And when he asked me “Why not?” I told him, “Because you can’t control the choices and actions of others; however, you can control how you choose to respond to the actions of others.”
Most men who’ve struggled, as I did, with porn and sexual addiction are used to suffering in silence. Our hope is that we’ll be able to eventually strong-will ourselves into resisting and abstaining from acting on every lustful impulse or desire. We will attempt to use porn filters on our computers and cell phones; try bouncing our eyes whenever we see beautiful women; pop rubber bands on our wrist whenever we’re tempted, and need I say, try to read the best blogs or books on the subject, hoping something will miraculously “cure” us of our self-destructive behavior.
Having done all of the above mentioned, as well as attending a recovery group for 7 years, completing a 12-step program (4 times), and seeking personal and marital counseling for 3 years, I’m convinced that the most important step in breaking free from porn is one word: Connection.
The truth is, porn and any other addiction is just the opposite of connection. Porn allows us to disconnect from reality, from people, from our pain, our pressures, and our past trauma. Porn allows us to medicate, sedate, and isolate ourselves, and it keeps us from being vulnerable and transparent with the people who matter most to us.
I often say, God will only choose to heal what we reveal, not conceal. Just ask Adam and Eve. And there’s no healing without connection.
Because I chose to hold onto my secrets about the abuse, I was consumed with shame and guilt. I didn’t try to connect with those who mattered most to me; instead, I tried to hide from my pain, suppress my shame, and bury my guilt, hoping no one would ever see the internal and emotional wounds that were eating me alive.
Not only am I convinced that connection is the key to conquering porn or any addiction, I believe it’s also the key to spiritual, emotional, and mental health. Our connection to God, our family, our friends, our “battle buddies,” and those we love, is the healing balm we need for recovery and sustainable victory over porn.
Now having been porn free for 14 years, I teach the hundreds of men I mentor and coach in our Real Men 300 program (RealMen300.com) that a man is only as strong as the support (connection) he has with other men. Because ultimately, the weight of life, including porn, will always crush a man who tries to bear it alone.
I told my son, if I could go back and talk to 12-year-old me again, I would tell him:
1. “IT’S not your fault.”
2. “Tell someone you trust about IT.”
3. “Let others help you carry IT…so the healing can begin.”
I’m asking you now to do the same.
Dr. Joe Martin is an author, award-winning international speaker, and certified Man Builder. He’s the creator and founder of RealMenConnect.com and the host of the Real Men Connect podcast – the #1-rated podcast on iTunes for Christian men. He’s also a husband and father of a blended family of two. He can be reached at realmenconnect@gmail.com. His website is RealMenConnect.com.
