Yet I didn’t know he was addicted to pornography. 

Stop Keeping Her in the Dark

By Eddie Capparucci, MA, LPC

Sitting on the couch in my counseling office, Sondra wore a blank expression on her face staring off into space but her mind was racing with thoughts about her husband Dennis. When I asked her what she was thinking about she quickly rattled off a list of worries and concerns.

“Why would he do this to our family?”

“What is going on in his head? Is he still thinking about them?”

“How do I know he will not do something like this again?”

“Is he learning anything about himself that will help him change?”

Sondra’s list of concerns was normal for a woman who seven weeks ago discovered her husband had been meeting women he found through Craigslist for casual sexual encounters. I asked her what Dennis had been sharing with her about his recovery. Her answer saddened me.” Nothing,” she said. “He has told me nothing. It’s like my life is on hold.”

Despite the good work Dennis was doing during counseling sessions as well his processing of information in between visits, it was being offset by leaving Sondra in the dark. When a partner is kept out of the recovery process they are left wondering if the offender is changing or even capable of being changed. This in turn generates anxiety in the offended partner and limits their ability to emotionally reconnect with the sex addict in fear of being hurt again.

Dennis’ reasons for not sharing his progress with Sondra are very typical of most men who have been caught abusing sex. He was reluctant to bring up the subject with his wife for fear that she would respond negatively and an argument would result. He also kept her in the dark because discussing any aspect of his addiction triggered his own shame and guilt.

While both reasons are understandable they only lead to more harm and distance between the couple. Keeping your wife or girlfriend in the dark because it lessens your anxiety only continues to serve the self-centered approach you have always taken in the relationship. It is time to put your selfish needs aside and to take every step possible to build within your partner a sense of hope that you can change. One of the most effective ways of doing this is sharing what you are learning about yourself and your addiction.

I have found that couples who work together through the process of recovery end up reconnecting sooner and in a healthier way than couples who do their work separately. One couple I worked with was extremely committed to sharing with each other what they were learning about themselves and their relationship as they went through the healing process. Two years after they first entered counseling they were facilitating a couples’ support group for those struggling to reconnect following sexual betrayal.

Stop keeping her in the dark and help her better understand sexual addiction and where you stand today.

It is critical for the sex addict to keep his partner in the light and share what he is experiencing – both positive and negative. This will lessen the partner’s anxiety and reduce some of the negative racing thoughts experienced.

Couples and Porn Don’t Mix

By Eddie Capparucci, MA, LPC

An article in the popular magazine Women’s Health outlined three reasons why couples should watch pornography together. Obviously, the writers and editors of Women’s Health don’t have a lot of experience in seeing how couples who watch pornography together can quickly see the erosion of their relationships.

Carla and Jonah started counseling after she found sexually-graphic text messages that he had been sending to women he met in chat rooms. He would later confess to her that he had been having online sexual encounters with three different women in which he would masturbate while reading the erotic text they exchanged back and forward.

Carla was devastated and rightfully so felt betrayed and humiliated. She could not understand how Jonah would need to engage in such activities especially since they had an active sex life that included watching pornography together on a regular basis. What she did not realize was she was enabling his sexual addiction by condoning the use of pornography.

Abusing sex with activities such as pornography provides a level of stimulation for men that they don’t achieve with their partner. Therefore, in order to heighten sexual intimacy between a man and woman there should be no outside stimulus that interferes with the natural bond that God designed.      

Getting back to the Women’s Health article, the first reason for encouraging couples to watch porn together is so the male partner doesn’t have to hide his addiction. I could not agree more. Men should not be hiding their pornography addiction but instead they should be encouraged to bring it out of the darkness and into the light. And once in the light they can see pornography serves as a distraction from emotional distress they are surpressing.

A woman who discovers her husband has been secretly watch pornography and agrees to start viewing it with him immediately raises a red flag for me. There is one of two things going on with that woman. Either she is afraid that telling him she doesn’t want him watching porn will drive him away from her, or she has suffered from emotional and/or physical trauma in the past that has left her seeing nothing wrong with women being used and humiliated.  Each time she watches pornography with her partner another small piece of her dignity is stripped away.   

Reason number two given for couples to view porn is “it can turn you on big time”. They are right pornography is designed to mentally and physically stimulate people. However, the point being overlooked is people are designed to stimulate people. Individuals who build a relationship based on true emotionally intimacy discover they also have a strong physical attraction for each other. This is a natural response God designed for us to experience.

“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19

 It is your wife’s breasts that should satisfy you and not looking at another woman’s breasts. There is something very strange about the concept of preferring to watch a woman on video while you are in the presence of a real one. Basically what this says is the emotional bond between those couples is not fully attached. And over time the likelihood of further emotional separation is extremely high.

According to Women’s Health, the final reason for couples to watch pornography together is it will “inspire you to speak up in bed”. Basically couples are being told they need outside stimuli in their relationship in order to have the courage to discuss sex. But again, if a couple is struggling in communicating to each other their sexual needs and desires it is most likely a sign they struggling with their communication in other areas of their relationship.

Pornography-sex lacks genuine connection. It is not possible to be fully focused on your partner if you are engaging in pornography.  And if a couple is not engaged with each other in the bedroom there is a very strong chance they are not fully connected outside of the bedroom.  Instead of bringing pornography into your bedroom consider bringing God into your marriage.

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

Introducing God to your marriage will open your eyes to a new way of connecting with each other both emotionally and physically. There will be no need for the three-ring circus in the bedroom, but instead you will find gratification and wholeness in each other.

Couples and pornography simply don’t mix. Just ask someone like Carla.

You can find other important resources about sexual and pornography addictions at the following websites:

http://sexuallypuremen.com/

http://www.menagainstporn.org/

http://www.girlsagainstporn.com