By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS
“I don’t want to be here,” said Amanda shaking her head slowly with tears running down her cheeks. “Three days ago, I was a care-free wife, and today I’m in a counseling office next to a man who supposedly is my loving and faithful husband, but instead I find out he looks at porn and has been with prostitutes. I didn’t sign up for this. This wasn’t the life I was promised by him!”
Unfortunately, with the rapid increase in the number of sexual and pornography addiction cases, more wives are waking up from what they thought was a dream marriage only to discover they have landed in the middle of a dark and ugly Grimms’ fairy-tale. The shock of having your safe and peaceful world collapse around you leaves a woman in a state of trauma as she discovers her husband’s sexual wrongdoings and deception.
“I don’t know my husband,” said Kaye, whose husband admitted to having countless one-night encounters with women he met on hook-up apps. “Twenty-two years of a sham marriage. It meant nothing to him. It was all lies, and I was too naive to recognize it. Stupid me.”
To our wives, we’re no longer white knights, but instead, we look like ogres. So, what now?
Our goal is to work in helping our wives to one day experience a new sense of security and certainy. A security that is demonstrated in our ability to manage our sexual/porn addiction; and certainty that is shown in our commitment to become the “new guy,” who possesses a changed heart and priorities that focus on her and family.
So, how do we achieve this? Well, here are just four ideas to get you started.
1. We practice honesty, honesty, honesty. Our wives should expect and deserve nothing less from us. But this new transparency reaches far beyond our openness with any sexual struggles and should cover all aspects of our lives. We hide nothing and share everything. There are no more secrets. And we don’t hold back information in fear of their response. We’re an open book.
2. We become outwardly focus. For too long, most of us have been running through life with our heads down and trapped in our own heads. It’s now time to lift our heads high and become alert and focused on our surroundings and especially the needs and desires of those we love. After God, they become our most important commitment.
3. We learn to express our emotions. Yikes! Yes, it’s the “e” word, but it’s one of the most critical aspects to recovery and helping our wives feel secure. Knowing how to identify and express our emotions – beyond anger, sadness, happiness, and fear – shows we are holding nothing back and that we genuinely want to be in a relationship rooted in emotional intimacy. Now we’re talking about real change.
4. We’re willing to sit with her pain. Here is where too many guys fail to make the grade. I call it walking into the fire (see my previous article on this subject). During her recovery, you may see times where everything has calmed down, which may give you the impression that she’s healed. You couldn’t be more wrong. That is why it’s essential during these times to reach out and ask her about her healing process. Stop laughing. I’m serious. That’s why I call it walking into the fire because you probably are going to get burnt. But the risk is worth the reward because the underlining message you send her is, “I will sit here with you in your pain.” And believe me, that’s huge.
There’s no doubt we have crushed her world. We have disappointed and betrayed. However, we can’t stay stuck in feelings of guilt and shame. Instead, we must move forward by taking positive actions that over time, will once again provide her with a sense of security. And that takes time, hard work, and patience on our part. If we are committed to changing our heart, together we have the opportunity to live out the marriage she always dreamed of.
Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS is a licensed professional counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA. He is certified in the treatment of sexual and pornography addiction. He is the author of the book, Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. His latest book, “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” will be published in February 2020.
We know that porn addicts can break free from the addiction by replacing old habits with new ones. Scientific studies are revealing how our neural pathways can be re-routed and re-directed.
The ultimate goal is not that we just quit porn, through behavior modification. Those who’ve tried (haven’t we all?) behavior modification find that such efforts fall short – again, and again, and again.
We are after nothing less than a renovation of the heart.
Renovations take time. Have you ever done a home renovation? Then you know what I mean. Renovations begin with a vision of a preferable future. Take a room you’d like to update, for example. You first ‘see’ what the room could be. You imagine new cabinets, pain, decor, etc.
A renovation of the heart begins in the heart, as we imagine – dream of – a different future. Really, it’s a picture of what the heart could be if it weren’t hooked on porn.
In other words, freedom from porn begins with a vision large enough to replace and rebuild the vision porn consumption has stolen from you!
This week, I’d like to challenge you to imagine a new life.
What would that life look like?
Take some time and answer the following questions. These might help you identify practices and habits that will lead you into freedom.
- What would my relationships feel like, look like, and sound like, if I weren’t trapped in porn? How would my relational quality improve?
- How would I spend my time with my wife, husband, children, neighbors, colleagues, etc., if my heart weren’t occupied by porn?
- What might I do with my new-found free time? What talents, strengths, gifts, hobbies could I explore with the time I once spent consuming porn?
Take about 10 minutes and record your answers to these questions. Keep them before you and begin moving toward them.
While this Renovation of Your Heart may take some time – as all long-lasting renovations do – it begins with a vision that propels you further and keeps you going when the going gets tough!
Let us know how we can help!
Biz@menagainstporn.org
“Believing for and Striving Toward the Eradication of Porn in Our Lifetime!”
A Three-Pronged Approach Toward Renewal and Hope!
Resisting porn and recovering from one’s addiction is never, ever easy.
Yet, one can live free and people often find freedom.
This week’s Mid-Week Minute offers a three-pronged approach to help you in your movement away from addiction toward a new-found freedom.
RESIST. REST. REKINDLE.
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RESIST THE PORN-PULL. When you are first tempted, it’s important to resist that temptation and replace it with positive input. DON’T ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT THAT ONE CLICK IS OKAY! Rather than give in, resist the temptation and REPLACE it, quickly! How can you replace it? That leads us to step two. . .
- REST WITH GOOD FRIENDS. An effective way to battle porn’s pull is to lean into meaningful community! Call a friend. Visit a family member. Run to an accountability partner! Visit a local house of worship or community center. Talk to your coach, teacher, parent, pastor, etc. Just don’t try to fight alone!
- REKINDLE REAL LOVE. Porn is fake love, false love, NO LOVE, period! It’s the absolute opposite of love!! As you find rest, you’ll then find strength to run to real love: the love of a spouse, a brother, sister, child, parent, etc. Light the flame of lasting love and rekindle the life that you’ve always longed to live.
We at Men Against Porn are here to help.
We hope and work for nothing less than the eradication of pornography in our life time.
We invite you to join us! If we can be of any assistance, please reach out!
Biz, Men Against Porn
Men Against Porn’s Mid-Week Minute
This week’s Mid-week minute will expose you to a horrific reality going on right under our noses, in America’s Public Libraries.
Parents: do you know that your children can access porn in our libraries?
Do you also know that libraries are reticent to stop it and actually, in some cases, quite resistant to those who have tried to shed light on this pervasive and unfettered criminal activity?
Some boards and employees have actually sought the arrest of those with whom they disagree.
Yes, you read that right.
They are using tax-payer money to try and arrest those tax-payers who disagree with them and seek to hold them accountable.
We believe it’s time for the American Library Association to be held accountable at the highest levels.
Click this link that exposes the cover-up and the crimes going on right beneath our noses. Cover-ups that are funded by tax-payer revenue.
We don’t know how far or how wide this is, but it’s presence anywhere, at anytime, in this country should be alarming to every citizen of this land!
Public Libraries should not be a safe-haven for porn!
Men Against Porn stands with you and we ask that you stand with us.
Do you agree? If so, join us!
How? One quick way is to subscribe to our Facebook page and “like” this article and share it with others!
If you or someone you love is stuck in this addiction, reach out and let us help you get started on your freedom journey today!
MenAgainstPorn
Over fifty million students, K – 12th grade, attend public schools every day in the good Ol’ US of A.
Parents hope they send their kids off to learn important subjects like math, reading skills, science, the arts, etc. More and more, however, it seems that learning how to be a porn-star, or sex-slaves subservient to the uncontrollable desires of teen-aged (mainly male) porn addicts, is also a part of the national curriculum!
At least, that’s the case in one Brooklyn school where a thirteen year-old boy lured a seventeen year-old girl with learning disabilities into a bathroom to an ensemble of 6 boys-in-waiting, ready to have her perform sex at their command.
Yeah, you heard that right. A thirteen year-old boy lured a female student (one struggling with disabilities) into a bathroom and watched as his cadre of porn-induced criminals demanded sex and assaulted her at the very core of her being.
Parents, do you know where your daughter is right now?
In school?
Learning what, do you suppose?
This is the type of thing (preteen/teen sexual exploitation and assault) that happens to a nation that’s been tolerant of pornography for so terribly long. This is, as it were, a natural outcome of a generation hooked on porn.
Some might argue that porn and porn addiction may have nothing to do with this case. And, while the facts are still pouring in on that case, let me present some other facts that help us see just how desperately addicted to pornography the children of this nation have become.
- Studies show that nearly 50% of children ages ten to seventeen are consistently consuming porn online.
- Twenty-five percent of all internet searches (about 68 million) are related to porn.
- Of the forty-two percent of teen-age boys who admit to viewing porn within the last twelve months, sixty-six percent of them report it as unwanted exposure.
- 116,000 searches PER DAY are related to child pornography.
- Ever thirty-nine minutes a new porn film or video is created.
- Nearly thirty percent of teenagers admit to sending nude photos or emails, which is a form of porn-production in its own right.
- Thirty-five percent of all downloads are pornographic.
Sick to your stomach yet?
Well, we’ve not even begun to consider the full ramifications of behavioral disorders such consumption is producing. Ramifications like an innocent young girl being sexually assaulted by her classmates while attending school.
Consider, for example a 2016 meta-analysis of porn which revealed that teens who regularly consume porn reported experiences of reinforcing gender stereotypes, earlier sexual debut, experimentation with casual sex, and, most importantly, increased sexual aggression against others both as perpetrators and victims.
We may not all be addicted to porn, but we’re all porn-addicts now!
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that these boys who abused this girl have been and are actively consuming porn. It’s odd that the paper refers to the girl as the one with the disability. It’s clear, to me at least, that it’s the boys who are acting in sub-human ways.
While, as a dad, I’d like to see these boys punished to the fullest extent of the law. What I’d like most is an investigation into what fuels this behavior and then hold the guilty parties responsible.
The guilty? The folks who are producing and distributing porn at a break-neck clip.
Join the fight today.
Let’s see these boys held accountable as well as those who have profited off of their addiction.
Let’s live to see the end of porn in our lifetime!
Biz with MenAgainstPorn
Sources
http://enough.org/stats-youth-and-porn
https://www.webroot.com/us/en/home/resources/tips/digital-family-life/internet-pornography-by-the-numbers
http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/10/04/how-much-porn-is-your-kid-watching.html
