By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS
For those familiar with my therapeutic approach, you know I advocate for more than just behavioral change in men. I seek the transformation of their hearts. It is about embarking on a journey of profound personal change that requires intensive dedication and endless self-reflection. The results of this venture are life-changing and bring a great deal of personal contentment and joy not only for men but also for the partners they betrayed.
However, while men understand the importance of becoming and staying sober, they often struggle when it comes to softening their hearts to help their spouses heal from betrayal trauma.
It is common for men to express weariness over interrogation-like conversations with their spouses or their inability to comprehend how a good day can suddenly spiral into a nightmare. But what they fail to realize is the depth of the pain they have caused, along with a lack of understanding regarding the consequences of betrayal trauma. Their partners are struggling for answers and want to know, “How could you do this to me?”
Hurting partners are not seeking to remain stuck in their pain and anguish. Instead, they yearn for the return of peaceful and carefree days. However, their future mental health is contingent upon the efforts of those who have betrayed them to make them feel safe once more.
And that is the basic principle in the healing cycle – make her feel safe. If betrayers could grasp and implement this critical concept, many broken relationships could be restored.
Make. Her. Feel. Safe. That is the objective. When accomplished, healing can take place. Without it, misery will ensue.
So, what steps are required for a man who wants to get on the transformation pathway to make his spouse feel safe? There are many components but here are three starting points:
1. Break Through Your Hardened Heart
In the words of the Apostle Paul, “…put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” Eph. 4: 22-24.
This practice entails a profound change in shifting away from childish thinking, emotions, and behaviors driven by unresolved childhood pain points. It requires developing confidence that you will always be inspired to do the right thing. This transformation involves breaking down the barriers of one’s heart that have been built to protect you from dealing with emotional discomfort. And as these barriers come down, they must be replaced with empathy, patience, love, self-control, and compassion.
An excellent way to soften your heart is to understand how it became callous in the first place. One way to accomplish this is by reading Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction or attending a Going Deeper workshop that takes place three times a year. Find out more at https://seekingintegrity.com/workgroups-and-lecture-series/going-deeper-workgroup-for-men.
2. Put Your Emotional Discomfort Aside and Focus on Her Emotional Pain
It is easy to become preoccupied with one’s emotional discomfort, but true healing begins when we shift our emphasis to stay focused on the pain our partners are experiencing. Easier said than done. But this is a central requirement if a betrayed partner is going to heal. You can no longer allow your pain to trump her pain. Instead, you must stay on her Pain Field and validate what she is experiencing. At the same time, you must have the energy and resolve to deal with what looks like hostility when, in fact, you are standing before pain and grieving.
This means actively listening to her concerns, acknowledging the hurt, and providing unwavering support as she navigates her healing journey. It requires setting aside your discomfort and prioritizing your partner’s emotional well-being above all else. This is done in part by regularly validating your partner’s emotions and being completely honest and transparent.
Go to www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si_dxL9Fo-c and watch my “10 Rules for Engaging a Grieving Partner” video for more insights on how to help her grieve.
3. Recognize the Impact of Your Actions or Inactions
Every action or inaction has consequences, especially in the context of a relationship. Therefore, it is crucial to consider how your words and behaviors affect your partner. Will your actions foster a sense of safety and security, or will they exacerbate fear and uncertainty? By taking responsibility for your actions and their potential impact on your partner, you can rebuild trust and create a safe foundation within the relationship.
Before making any decision, ask yourself, “How will this action or inaction impact my wife?” And wait to take any steps until you have an answer. If in doubt, reach out to your partner and share what action or inaction you are considering.
In conclusion, the journey toward healing and restoration in the aftermath of betrayal requires more than just behavioral changes; it demands a profound character transformation. Individuals can play a pivotal role in making their partners feel safe and secure by prioritizing empathy, compassion, and accountability. Only then can the path to healing truly begin. But it all begins with a commitment to authentic change.
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Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs. He is the author of
- Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction
- Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots
- Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction
- Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love & Sex Addiction
- Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love.
He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com. Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model at www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.
You may think the bullying you endured in middle school is far behind you. Or the insults hurled by your mother are a thing of the past. Or the beatings you took from your older sibling have been long forgotten.
But that may not be the case. In fact, a large majority of individuals who struggle with sexual or pornography addictions have unresolved childhood pain points that still haunt them today.
They encountered negative events that activate suppressed memories of emotional, mental, or physical distress suffered as children. Although the pain endures was bad enough, what made the situation worse is caregivers did not comfort these individuals in their time of need. For many reasons, parents were not emotionally available to help soothe the distress and teach that the pain will not last forever.
Instead, these children had to face traumatic events alone and their solution to dealing with the distress was to not think about the situation. And to accomplish this, they learned to distract themselves with too much television, food, or fantasy. With this defense mechanism, they had entered the beginning phase of what would become behaviors that lead to addictions.
The following is part one of a two-part interview that details how the Inner Child uses our childhood pain points to drive our sexual or pornography addictions.
Take a listen to this podcast from the folks at AffairRecovery.com and learn “why” we do the things we don’t want to do. Discover how you can become empowered by understanding the rationales behind your sexual behaviors and how to stop them by staying one step ahead of the Inner Child.
No more do you need to wonder “why” has sex had a stronghold on my life. You can now discover the answers that will help you manage your sex or porn addiction. And when you are done watching the video go to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com to learn more and to sign up for our newsletter.
Taking the time and having the discipline necessary to exercise and eat well can keep our bodies from breaking down prematurely. Everyone knows strong muscles, along with a healthy cardiovascular system, leads to overall better physical health.
The same is true when it comes to our maintaining our integrity – we need to put forth a proactive conditioning effort. It is through a never-ending, self-reflection process that we fine-tune our integrity, thus allowing us to create and ultimately leave behind a solid legacy. Looking in the mirror regularly and searching to see our faults and weaknesses is not a pleasant task but an essential one. It is by facing our brokenness that we can become better men.
And nowhere can we find better guidance for integrity and legacy development than with the Fruit of the Spirit outlined in Galatians 5: 22-23.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.”
I urge you to take a moment and carefully review these virtues. How well are you doing in each of those areas? Are you filled with love, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness? Do you have good patience and self-control?
To create an enduring legacy, we must practice the noble character traits outlined in the Fruit of the Spirit. We should commit ourselves to spend time each day reviewing these nine important principles and working to strengthen them within us.
By dedicating ourselves to the Fruit of the Spirit, not only will we cement our positive legacy, but we will find ourselves living more by Spiritual values as opposed to worldly ones. Unfortunately, today more than ever, men are being drawn into the dark world of pornography, which is a threat to their legacies. It is estimated that nearly 65% of all men view pornography at least once a month. And 3-5% of the U.S. male population struggles with a pornography addiction.
This Sunday is Father’s Day. If you are caught in the stronghold of pornography, please give your family the most valuable gift they could ever receive and get the help you need to break free from this darkness. And with this, you will be on the pathway to creating a strong and enduring legacy. And for that, the world will be a much better place.
Everything seems to be shutting down and people are locking down as the Coronavirus spreads and government officials look to contain the disease. You can’t argue with the cautious methods being taken. But for individuals who struggle with, or recently have obtained sobriety from pornography, being confined at home could increase the risk for relapse. Why? Several reasons.
1. Anxiety Regarding the Unknown
Face it, some people are worried and others are out-right scared regarding the current situation. No one knows how long this crisis will last and what its impact will be not only regarding health, but also school, work and finances. These concerns most certainly could lead individuals to withdraw into the dark world of pornography to evade their worries.
2. Distraction from the negative news coverage.
It’s Coronavirus 24-7 with wall-to-wall coverage that is bombarding us. All of the negativity at some point, will lead many individuals to tune out the media coverage and replace it with something that will soothe and stimulate, such as pornography.
3. Escape from boredom.
This of course is the most obvious rationale for someone to reach out to pornography and masturbation. Most people are not use to sitting at home without uninterrupted periods of work and school. Losing the routine of going to work, school or engaging in social activities, is going to cause individuals to lack structure, which is essential for long-term recovery.
What is important during this unprecedent time is for those who struggle to be mindful that these emotionally trying circumstances could increase the risk of acting out. And with this insight, each individual should develop a strategy to help them deal with emotional triggers and temptations. This may include:
- Participating in online and telephone support groups
- Staying in contact with your sponsor or support team via electronic mediums
- Ensuring you are limiting your access to electronic devices especially when you are feeling drained mentally, emotionally, physically or Spiritually
- Spending quiet time in prayer and reflecting each morning on things that you are grateful for instead of focusing on the negativity surrounding us
This indeed may be a very challenging time for many who struggle not only with a pornography addiction, but with other addictive behaviors including smoking, eating, binge watching, etc. But it doesn’t mean you are facing certain failure. If you maintain your focus and create a new structure to adapt to the current situation you can find yourself beating the odds and defeating lust.
