How do you want to be remembered?
It’s probably not a question men often ponder. But we should. In fact, it’s perhaps one of the most critical issues we should address. Why? Because whether we like it or not, we are role models. People are watching us. And when they’re watching, they are observing how we:
- Respond to conflict
- Treat others
- Approach our work and responsibilities
- Act in moments when integrity counts most
- Honor our wives
Whether we realize it or not, people are watching. These include our spouse, children, co-workers, friends, and neighbors. And what they’re observing is the establishing of our legacy – the way people will remember us.
But there is cancer that is destroying the legacies of many men in our world today. It’s called pornography.
“It’s difficult to look at him the same way since finding out about his pornography addiction,” said Mark, a 24-year-old whose father confessed after his 33-year addiction was discovered. “It’s not that I don’t love him anymore, but my image of the man who always did the right thing has been tainted by the pain he caused my mother.”
Whether your spouse and children are aware of your pornography use, you are cheating them. The image they hold of you is nothing more than a façade. Each day, thousands of men are caught engaging in the selfish pleasure of pornography, which results in the breaking of their wives’ and children’s hearts. It is a betrayal that destroys marriages and robs children of their innocence.
“My husband left his pornography unattended, and our 12-year-old son stumbled across it,” says one mother. “My son then started to act out what he saw with his 9-year-old sister. My husband’s filthy habit forever damaged both of my children. Bringing pornography into our home destroyed all of our lives, and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him.”
As men, we can do many things our loved ones respect and admire. But all those deeds are undermined when we allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness of pornography. Failing to get control of our lust can ruin everything we worked hard to achieve while leaving the ones we love seeing us through tainted lenses.
“People in our community look up to him, and he is a Deacon in our church,” remarks Suzanne, who continues to struggle with feelings of betrayal after discovering her husband’s long-time pornography use. “But the image he portrays is phony. He’s not the man they think he is. When I hear someone praise him, I cringe. Yet, he keeps up the charade, which leads me to continue to lose whatever respect I still have for him.”
As men, we must challenge ourselves to uncover the insights behind our use of pornography. You don’t engage because of a pang of uncontrollable sexual hunger. Instead, pornography is a tool to distract yourself from emotional distress. And in many cases, you may not be conscious of the emotional pain.
In his book, Unwanted, Jay Stringer sums up the rationale for pornography is a wonderful word picture. “How did I get there? One way of thinking about unwanted sexual behavior is to see it as the convergence of two rivers; your past and the difficulties you face in the present.”
To become a man of integrity, we need to understand better our emotional hurts and how they occurred. That takes serious self-reflection and courage. It’s not an easy process, but it is gratifying and fruitful. There is no doubt pornography serves as an excellent tool to help men escape painful feelings. But it’s also a damaging tool that kills legacies.
How do you want to be remembered?
By Dr. Tom Moucka, president of Samson House
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17
Knowing there are powerful forces arrayed against us, Paul says the day of evil will come, we just don’t know when. So he says we are to put on our armor every day, in the same way, we dress ourselves every morning. Truth is the foundation, righteousness protects our torso like a bulletproof vest, our boots are the gospel of peace which gives us a sense of prepared confidence, our shield is our faith, our helmet is our salvation, and the scriptures act like a sword the Holy Spirit has taught us to use.
The point here is, it is a battle we must be prepared to fight at any moment – hand-to-hand combat with a powerful enemy. The weapons God has provided for us take practice to become proficient with over time. That’s why we do these devotions every day. We ponder the truth, we learn the righteousness and peace of Christ are ours, our faith grows and our minds are renewed as we soak in God’s word and lift up our hearts in prayer . . . daily. That’s the key. We must stick with this discipline over time. And with time our ability to fight the enemy will strengthen more and more. We can’t let up; the fight will come… And one more thing: we need to pass these weapons on to our children and grandchildren – their battles will be even more fearsome than our own.
To find out more information about the amazing work being done by Samson House who men struggling with sexual impurity check out its website at: www.samsonsociety.com
Dr. Joe Martin
My son once asked me, “Dad, if you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?” To his surprise, I said, “I wish I would have told someone sooner about the sexual abuse I suffered and endured as a child for 3 years.”
Kendall wasn’t as surprised by what I said as he was by what I didn’t say. I didn’t tell him I would’ve change any of the following:
· My father abandoning me when I was 2 years old
· My mother abusing throughout my childhood years
· His mother divorcing me after my porn addiction and multiple affairs
· Or even the family member abusing me
And when he asked me “Why not?” I told him, “Because you can’t control the choices and actions of others; however, you can control how you choose to respond to the actions of others.”
Most men who’ve struggled, as I did, with porn and sexual addiction are used to suffering in silence. Our hope is that we’ll be able to eventually strong-will ourselves into resisting and abstaining from acting on every lustful impulse or desire. We will attempt to use porn filters on our computers and cell phones; try bouncing our eyes whenever we see beautiful women; pop rubber bands on our wrist whenever we’re tempted, and need I say, try to read the best blogs or books on the subject, hoping something will miraculously “cure” us of our self-destructive behavior.
Having done all of the above mentioned, as well as attending a recovery group for 7 years, completing a 12-step program (4 times), and seeking personal and marital counseling for 3 years, I’m convinced that the most important step in breaking free from porn is one word: Connection.
The truth is, porn and any other addiction is just the opposite of connection. Porn allows us to disconnect from reality, from people, from our pain, our pressures, and our past trauma. Porn allows us to medicate, sedate, and isolate ourselves, and it keeps us from being vulnerable and transparent with the people who matter most to us.
I often say, God will only choose to heal what we reveal, not conceal. Just ask Adam and Eve. And there’s no healing without connection.
Because I chose to hold onto my secrets about the abuse, I was consumed with shame and guilt. I didn’t try to connect with those who mattered most to me; instead, I tried to hide from my pain, suppress my shame, and bury my guilt, hoping no one would ever see the internal and emotional wounds that were eating me alive.
Not only am I convinced that connection is the key to conquering porn or any addiction, I believe it’s also the key to spiritual, emotional, and mental health. Our connection to God, our family, our friends, our “battle buddies,” and those we love, is the healing balm we need for recovery and sustainable victory over porn.
Now having been porn free for 14 years, I teach the hundreds of men I mentor and coach in our Real Men 300 program (RealMen300.com) that a man is only as strong as the support (connection) he has with other men. Because ultimately, the weight of life, including porn, will always crush a man who tries to bear it alone.
I told my son, if I could go back and talk to 12-year-old me again, I would tell him:
1. “IT’S not your fault.”
2. “Tell someone you trust about IT.”
3. “Let others help you carry IT…so the healing can begin.”
I’m asking you now to do the same.
Dr. Joe Martin is an author, award-winning international speaker, and certified Man Builder. He’s the creator and founder of RealMenConnect.com and the host of the Real Men Connect podcast – the #1-rated podcast on iTunes for Christian men. He’s also a husband and father of a blended family of two. He can be reached at realmenconnect@gmail.com. His website is RealMenConnect.com.
