So how are you doing with the porn problem you keep saying you’re going to tackle? Are you still struggling? Are you attempting to keep it hidden from your family, friends, and co-workers? Are you still living with the shame of not being able to stop?
Well, you are far from alone. Millions of men are in the same predicament. Each time they succumb to the images, they promise themselves, “that was the last time.” But it’s not.
Studies show 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites, and 70% of men ages 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once per month. The most active group engaged in online porn is men, ages 35 and 49. It is estimated 3-5% of the population has a pornography addiction. I told you, you’re not alone.
For a fifth consecutive year, Men Against Porn is sponsoring its annual Give Up Lust for Lent campaign, where Christian men are encouraged to take the steps necessary to put them on the right pathway in managing their pornography problem.
Each year, the response to this campaign has been positive with men taking the leap to rid themselves of this decaying habit that wears upon their integrity and shakes their position as spiritual leaders of their home.
Once again, the season of Lent is upon us, and it’s time to ask men to exam their hearts and ask God for the strength to turn away from pornography, as well as illicit chat rooms, massage parlors, affairs, strip clubs, and other activities that demean women and dishonor their wives.
You may be shocked to know this addiction is not about sex but instead is an intimacy disorder. Men abuse sex to distract themselves from emotional distress that often is subconscious. In dealing with an addiction, understanding the root cause of why it developed is a significant factor in recovery.
As we enter the season of Lent here are several steps you can take to begin the process of removing a porn addiction from your life:
1. Admit your struggles.
Denial is a stumbling block for all addicts. The inability to see the potential destruction their actions cause leaves many people struggling needlessly. Ask God to help you examine your heart and make you aware that you need assistance. “Moreover, the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.” Deuteronomy 30: 6.
2. Ask for help.
Removing sexual sin from our lives is something we can’t do on our own. We need assistance and accountability. Seek out a trained professional and/or support group to help you get your journey going. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16
3. Do it now.
There will always be a reason to put it off, including the long-term rationale, “I will try harder and commit myself never to do it again.” But that approach rarely works. You need insight about yourself and why you use sex to soothe your emotional pain. You need to identify the core emotional triggers that lead to your acting out. You must create exit strategies that will help you escape temptation. It would be best if you had a community that will support, encourage, and, most importantly, provide accountability as you travel
along in your journey.
4. Check our blogs and articles for resources.
Visit the MenAgainstPorn.org website and check out our blog for articles and resources that can assist you on your journey. Structure and self-care are essential components to beating this problem. We can show you how.
On Feb. 26, join your brothers in a mission to re-build your integrity and strengthen your legacy. Take the steps needed to honor yourself, your spouse, and God. Make a commitment to Give Up Lust for Lent.
New Book Outlines How the Road to Recovery from Sex/Porn Addiction Goes Through Our Childhood
“Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” outlines a cutting-edge approach to treating sex/porn addiction, a disorder that is reaching epidemic portions. Author Eddie Capparucci, LPC, C-CSAS, developed the Inner Child Recovery Process for Sex/Porn Addiction (ICRP) based on years of success in treating men suffering from the disorder. The book is scheduled for release on Feb. 13, 2020.
The key to the ICRP is answering the “why” question. “Why have sex and pornography overtaken my life?” And the answer to that question can be found in the Inner Child. The inner child is a storage unit filled with pain points from childhood and teen years that have been repressed.
Capparucci has identified 9 inner children, each with unique emotional stressors based on past pain points. When a negative event – minor or major – occurs in the daily life of an addict, his inner child immediately searches the storage unit to determine if the current event correlates with a past emotional wound. And if he finds a match – the addiction cascade is set in motion.
Why? Because the inner child is trapped in a time warp surrounded by frightening memories, and when one of those pain points erupt, the kid desires to seek comfort. And he has learned, sex is a remarkable source of comfort.
Some of the 9 children include the Bored Child, the Emotionally Voided Child, the Unnoticed Child, and the Unaffirmed Child. Each child has his own core emotional triggers based on the pain points faced as a youngster. During therapy, clients identify the children they resonate with most, which leads them to compile their unique list of core emotional triggers that activate their addiction. It is not unusual for a client to associate with three or more of the nine children.
The book has been endorsed by major leaders in the behavioral addiction field including Dr. Rob Weiss, PhD, MSW, an expert in the treatment of adult intimacy disorders and addictions and author of numerous books including Sex Addiction 101.
“This is an excellent and necessary examination of the ‘why’ of sex and porn addiction, helpful primarily to men in sexual recovery who’ve established initial sobriety and need deeper, longer-term work to heal and remain sober,” says Dr. Weiss.
ICRP also is extremely beneficial for the spouses/partners of the addicted individuals in providing them with valuable insight into the rationale why their partners betray them. This, in turn, helps to reduce the spouse/partner’s feelings of inadequacy as well as provides empathy, which is needed to help restore relationships.
Copies of “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” will be available at all major booksellers, including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Abebooks.com, and other online book retailers. Preordering is now available on those sites.
By Dr. Tom Moucka, president of Samson House
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17
Knowing there are powerful forces arrayed against us, Paul says the day of evil will come, we just don’t know when. So he says we are to put on our armor every day, in the same way, we dress ourselves every morning. Truth is the foundation, righteousness protects our torso like a bulletproof vest, our boots are the gospel of peace which gives us a sense of prepared confidence, our shield is our faith, our helmet is our salvation, and the scriptures act like a sword the Holy Spirit has taught us to use.
The point here is, it is a battle we must be prepared to fight at any moment – hand-to-hand combat with a powerful enemy. The weapons God has provided for us take practice to become proficient with over time. That’s why we do these devotions every day. We ponder the truth, we learn the righteousness and peace of Christ are ours, our faith grows and our minds are renewed as we soak in God’s word and lift up our hearts in prayer . . . daily. That’s the key. We must stick with this discipline over time. And with time our ability to fight the enemy will strengthen more and more. We can’t let up; the fight will come… And one more thing: we need to pass these weapons on to our children and grandchildren – their battles will be even more fearsome than our own.
To find out more information about the amazing work being done by Samson House who men struggling with sexual impurity check out its website at: www.samsonsociety.com
Dr. Joe Martin
My son once asked me, “Dad, if you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?” To his surprise, I said, “I wish I would have told someone sooner about the sexual abuse I suffered and endured as a child for 3 years.”
Kendall wasn’t as surprised by what I said as he was by what I didn’t say. I didn’t tell him I would’ve change any of the following:
· My father abandoning me when I was 2 years old
· My mother abusing throughout my childhood years
· His mother divorcing me after my porn addiction and multiple affairs
· Or even the family member abusing me
And when he asked me “Why not?” I told him, “Because you can’t control the choices and actions of others; however, you can control how you choose to respond to the actions of others.”
Most men who’ve struggled, as I did, with porn and sexual addiction are used to suffering in silence. Our hope is that we’ll be able to eventually strong-will ourselves into resisting and abstaining from acting on every lustful impulse or desire. We will attempt to use porn filters on our computers and cell phones; try bouncing our eyes whenever we see beautiful women; pop rubber bands on our wrist whenever we’re tempted, and need I say, try to read the best blogs or books on the subject, hoping something will miraculously “cure” us of our self-destructive behavior.
Having done all of the above mentioned, as well as attending a recovery group for 7 years, completing a 12-step program (4 times), and seeking personal and marital counseling for 3 years, I’m convinced that the most important step in breaking free from porn is one word: Connection.
The truth is, porn and any other addiction is just the opposite of connection. Porn allows us to disconnect from reality, from people, from our pain, our pressures, and our past trauma. Porn allows us to medicate, sedate, and isolate ourselves, and it keeps us from being vulnerable and transparent with the people who matter most to us.
I often say, God will only choose to heal what we reveal, not conceal. Just ask Adam and Eve. And there’s no healing without connection.
Because I chose to hold onto my secrets about the abuse, I was consumed with shame and guilt. I didn’t try to connect with those who mattered most to me; instead, I tried to hide from my pain, suppress my shame, and bury my guilt, hoping no one would ever see the internal and emotional wounds that were eating me alive.
Not only am I convinced that connection is the key to conquering porn or any addiction, I believe it’s also the key to spiritual, emotional, and mental health. Our connection to God, our family, our friends, our “battle buddies,” and those we love, is the healing balm we need for recovery and sustainable victory over porn.
Now having been porn free for 14 years, I teach the hundreds of men I mentor and coach in our Real Men 300 program (RealMen300.com) that a man is only as strong as the support (connection) he has with other men. Because ultimately, the weight of life, including porn, will always crush a man who tries to bear it alone.
I told my son, if I could go back and talk to 12-year-old me again, I would tell him:
1. “IT’S not your fault.”
2. “Tell someone you trust about IT.”
3. “Let others help you carry IT…so the healing can begin.”
I’m asking you now to do the same.
Dr. Joe Martin is an author, award-winning international speaker, and certified Man Builder. He’s the creator and founder of RealMenConnect.com and the host of the Real Men Connect podcast – the #1-rated podcast on iTunes for Christian men. He’s also a husband and father of a blended family of two. He can be reached at realmenconnect@gmail.com. His website is RealMenConnect.com.
Dr. Tom Moucka, president of Samson House provides us with insight regarding the need to bring our sinful nature out of the darkness and into the light.
”So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.” Ephesians 4:17-19
It wasn’t easy to be a follower of Jesus in the first century. It isn’t easy now. Old habits die hard when we give them space in our lives and allow them to live in the shadows. I know that first hand. They slowly, imperceptibly, harden our hearts. A hard heart is slow to respond to the nudges of the Holy Spirit, and the ways of Jesus become annoying. The heart loses its sensitivity to dark things and prefers them over the light of truth. After a time the temporary lift of indulging in secret sin is preferred over the joy of walking in the company of the Lord. A downward spiral ensues and the heart gets harder. Eventually, the telltale sign of a hard heart shows its ugly face – greed.
The good news is Jesus can soften our hearts again. It isn’t easy but absolutely necessary (Paul says he insists on it). First, we have to admit to Jesus we have a secret (it won’t shock him – he already knows), and ask him to help us. Then bring it out of the darkness into the light by admitting it to a trusted friend(s). If our secret sin has caused harm to others, we need to make amends with them, and then hang out with those who want to live in the light, encouraging each other as you enjoy your newly softened hearts. Finally, practice generosity – it transforms that ugly face of greed to a happy one of joy.
With the psalmist, let’s ask the Lord to search our hearts and show us if there is anything hiding in the shadows that might be blocking our relationship with him.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)
To find out more information about the amazing work being done by Samson House who men struggling with sexual impurity check out its website at: www.samsonsociety.com
