Take a listen to this podcast from the folks at AffairRecovery.com and learn “why” we do the things we don’t want to do. Discover how you can become empowered by understanding the rationales behind your sexual behaviors and how to stop them by staying one step ahead of the Inner Child.
No more do you need to wonder “why” has sex had a stronghold on my life. You can now discover the answers that will help you manage your sex or porn addiction. And when you are done watching the video go to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com to learn more and to sign up for our newsletter.
By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS
An article in the popular magazine Women’s Health outlined three reasons why couples should watch pornography together. Obviously, the writers and editors of Women’s Health don’t have a lot of experience in seeing how couples who watch pornography together can quickly see the erosion of their relationships.
Carla and Jonah started counseling after she found sexually graphic text messages that he had been sending to women he met in chat rooms. He would later confess to her that he had had online sexual encounters with three different women in which he would masturbate while reading the erotic text they exchanged back and forward.
Carla was devastated and rightfully, so felt betrayed and humiliated. She could not understand how Jonah would need to engage in such activities especially since they had an active sex life that included watching pornography together on a regular basis. What she did not realize was she was enabling his sexual addiction by condoning the use of pornography.
Abusing sex with activities such as pornography provides a level of stimulation for men that they don’t achieve with their partner. Therefore, in order to heighten sexual intimacy between a man and a woman, there should be no outside stimulus that interferes with the natural bond that God designed.
Getting back to the Women’s Health article, the first reason for encouraging couples to watch porn together is, so the male partner doesn’t have to hide his addiction. I could not agree more. Men should not be hiding their pornography addiction, but instead, they should be encouraged to bring it out of the darkness and into the light. And once in the light, they can see pornography serves as a distraction from emotional distress they are suppressing.
A woman who discovers her husband has been secretly watching pornography and agrees to start viewing it with him immediately raises a red flag for me. There is one of two things going on with that woman. Either she is afraid that telling him she doesn’t want him watching porn will drive him away from her, or she has suffered from emotional and/or physical trauma in the past that has left her seeing nothing wrong with women being used and humiliated. Each time she watches pornography with her partner, another small piece of her dignity is stripped away.
Reason number two given for couples to view porn is “it can turn you on big time.” They are right pornography is designed to mentally and physically stimulate people. However, the point being overlooked is people are designed to stimulate people. Individuals who build a relationship based on true emotional intimacy discover they also have a strong physical attraction for each other. This is a natural response God designed for us to experience.
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19
It is your wife’s breasts that should satisfy you and not looking at another woman’s breasts. There is something very strange about the concept of preferring to watch a woman on video while you are in the presence of a real one. Basically, what this says is the emotional bond between those couples is not fully attached. And over time the likelihood of further emotional separation is extremely high.
According to Women’s Health, the final reason for couples to watch pornography together is it will “inspire you to speak up in bed.” Basically, couples are being told they need outside stimuli in their relationship in order to have the courage to discuss sex. But again, if a couple is struggling in communicating to each other their sexual needs and desires, it is most likely a sign they struggling with their communication in other areas of their relationship.
Pornography-sex lacks genuine connection. It is not possible to be entirely focused on your partner if you are engaging in pornography. And if a couple is not engaged with each other in the bedroom there is a very strong chance they are not fully connected outside of the bedroom. Instead of bringing pornography into your bedroom consider bringing God into your marriage.
“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12
Introducing God to your marriage will open your eyes to a new way of connecting with each other, both emotionally and physically. There will be no need for the three-ring circus in the bedroom, but instead, you will find gratification and wholeness in each other.
Couples and pornography simply don’t mix. Just ask someone like Carla.
Eddie Capparucci is a licensed, Christian counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA, and he specializes in the treatment of sexual and pornography addiction. You can see more of his writing at www.SexuallyPureMen.com. His latest book, “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” will be released in February 2020.
By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS
“I don’t want to be here,” said Amanda shaking her head slowly with tears running down her cheeks. “Three days ago, I was a care-free wife, and today I’m in a counseling office next to a man who supposedly is my loving and faithful husband, but instead I find out he looks at porn and has been with prostitutes. I didn’t sign up for this. This wasn’t the life I was promised by him!”
Unfortunately, with the rapid increase in the number of sexual and pornography addiction cases, more wives are waking up from what they thought was a dream marriage only to discover they have landed in the middle of a dark and ugly Grimms’ fairy-tale. The shock of having your safe and peaceful world collapse around you leaves a woman in a state of trauma as she discovers her husband’s sexual wrongdoings and deception.
“I don’t know my husband,” said Kaye, whose husband admitted to having countless one-night encounters with women he met on hook-up apps. “Twenty-two years of a sham marriage. It meant nothing to him. It was all lies, and I was too naive to recognize it. Stupid me.”
To our wives, we’re no longer white knights, but instead, we look like ogres. So, what now?
Our goal is to work in helping our wives to one day experience a new sense of security and certainy. A security that is demonstrated in our ability to manage our sexual/porn addiction; and certainty that is shown in our commitment to become the “new guy,” who possesses a changed heart and priorities that focus on her and family.
So, how do we achieve this? Well, here are just four ideas to get you started.
1. We practice honesty, honesty, honesty. Our wives should expect and deserve nothing less from us. But this new transparency reaches far beyond our openness with any sexual struggles and should cover all aspects of our lives. We hide nothing and share everything. There are no more secrets. And we don’t hold back information in fear of their response. We’re an open book.
2. We become outwardly focus. For too long, most of us have been running through life with our heads down and trapped in our own heads. It’s now time to lift our heads high and become alert and focused on our surroundings and especially the needs and desires of those we love. After God, they become our most important commitment.
3. We learn to express our emotions. Yikes! Yes, it’s the “e” word, but it’s one of the most critical aspects to recovery and helping our wives feel secure. Knowing how to identify and express our emotions – beyond anger, sadness, happiness, and fear – shows we are holding nothing back and that we genuinely want to be in a relationship rooted in emotional intimacy. Now we’re talking about real change.
4. We’re willing to sit with her pain. Here is where too many guys fail to make the grade. I call it walking into the fire (see my previous article on this subject). During her recovery, you may see times where everything has calmed down, which may give you the impression that she’s healed. You couldn’t be more wrong. That is why it’s essential during these times to reach out and ask her about her healing process. Stop laughing. I’m serious. That’s why I call it walking into the fire because you probably are going to get burnt. But the risk is worth the reward because the underlining message you send her is, “I will sit here with you in your pain.” And believe me, that’s huge.
There’s no doubt we have crushed her world. We have disappointed and betrayed. However, we can’t stay stuck in feelings of guilt and shame. Instead, we must move forward by taking positive actions that over time, will once again provide her with a sense of security. And that takes time, hard work, and patience on our part. If we are committed to changing our heart, together we have the opportunity to live out the marriage she always dreamed of.
Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS is a licensed professional counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA. He is certified in the treatment of sexual and pornography addiction. He is the author of the book, Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. His latest book, “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” will be published in February 2020.
