We’re Leaving the Spouse Behind
Wives of Sexual Addicts Being Ignored by Counselors
By Eddie Capparucci, MA, LPC, CSAS
“He told me I should learn to be a better wife and lover,” Karen said with tears in her eyes as she recalled visiting her pastor for advice on how to deal with her husband’s pornography addiction. “I was shocked to hear him say that, but I trusted his advice. Besides, whenever I confronted Tom about using pornography he would always turn the tables on me and complain that if I could be more sexually available he wouldn’t need porn; so maybe there was some truth to what my pastor was saying.“
“So I have spent the past eight months trying to please him sexually. But guess what?” she asked. “He’s still looking at that filth. I can’t believe that I allowed both of those men to hoodwink me into believing it was my fault.”
Unfortunately the story shared by Karen is far too familiar among women who seek counseling to help them deal with the betrayal of their husbands’ sexual infidelities. Many clergy, Christian counselors, and coaches don’t understand the extent of the trauma faced by these victims. In many cases, a woman is mislabeled as co-dependent and an enabler.
“I spent almost a year in counseling after my therapist diagnosed me as co-dependent,” said Maria who husband’s sexual addiction involved numerous betrayals including prostitutes and strip clubs. “The counselor kept telling me I was too emotionally volatile and I needed to learn to get over what happened and forgive. I tried, but I was just so angry, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he hurt me. I could not figure out what would lead him to do this to me and the kids.”
It is not uncommon for a woman in the initial counseling session to present in a highly emotionally-charged state after discovering her husband’s secret. In fact, that “discovery” meeting with a couple is one of the most heart-breaking sessions to facilitate. A woman often will appear out-of-control emotionally, which could lead some therapists or clergy to believe the husband has been dealing with an irrational and over-the-top wife for years.
Following the discovery, higher levels of anxiety, lack of sleep, depression, and indecisiveness all contribute to a woman presenting to a professional as someone who may have trouble regulating her emotional state. However, that is rarely the case.
The emotional trauma suffered in finding out your husband has been sexually betraying you can wreak mental havoc on an individual. When a woman has uncovered the devastation of her husband’s action, she equates it to her world collapsing. Most wives wonder if their marriages can survive, and all have serious doubt they can ever again trust the men who they thought would always nurture and protect their hearts.
It is important to understand that in times of extreme stress the neurochemistry of the brain is altered leaving these women emotionally stuck and struggling to determine how to move beyond the shock. It is critical that Christian counselors and clergy provide a wife enough time – weeks or sometimes months – to process the initial betrayal and begin to self-regulate their emotional state. At that point the professional will have a better understanding of the woman’s ability to move forward in the healing process.
It is incumbent that we take a Christ-like approach with these broken individuals to help them in the long healing process. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
It is generally agreed among certified sexual addiction specialists that recovery time for a woman who has suffered a sexual betrayal is on average 12-24 months. During this time, women need the ability to grieve the loss of the safety they thought their marriage provided. But many women are denied the opportunity to grieve as they are instead pressured to forgive and forget.
Take the case of Deborah who discovered her husband had been engaging in sexual fantasy and masturbation with multiple women via video chat rooms.
“When I found out, I immediately told him he needed to get into counseling, and I decided to do the same,” she recalled. “I saw a female Christian counselor and she proceeded to tell me it is just the way men are wired. I was told I should just accept the fact that all men out act and focus on ‘treating him right in the bedroom’ to prevent him from straying in the future.”
It is incorrect and harmful advice like this that goes against the counseling principle of “do-no-harm”. It also can lead a woman to feel shame and believe she is responsible for her partner’s abusing sex. However, we find in a large majority of cases involving sexual addiction that the husband had difficulty controlling his sexual impulses before he ever met this wife. He brought the sexual addiction into the marriage. But women are being misinformed and led to believe his ‘problem with sex’ is the result of mistakes she made in the marriage.
The truth of the matter is that a large majority of wives who discovered they are married to a sex addict meet the criteria for post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In her book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, Dr. Barbara Steffens notes in a study she conducted with women who were married to a sex addict that 70% presented with symptoms of PTSD.
What do those symptoms look like? Here are several keys: inability to concentrate, insomnia, paranoia, re-experiencing through invasive thoughts, and in some cases affecting their ability to function with day-to-day responsibilities.
“This level of symptoms is consistent with someone exposed to a natural disaster or sexual assault,” says Dr. Steffens. “To me, that is significant information for the spouse and for those who seek to help heal.”
The proper course of treatment for women attempting to cope with their husband’s sexual acting-out requires counselors and pastors to allow her significant time to process her emotions and tell her story. These women also need to be assured this is not their problem, but instead, the problem is their husband’s.
“I saw the importance of this firsthand, after five years of counseling the wives and girlfriends of porn addicts, from 6pm to midnight every night,” Tiffany Leeper, Founder of Girls Against Porn & Human Trafficking recalled. “I had gone through what they did, taking me seven years to recover, so I knew exactly why they were desperately trying to find someone who was empathetic and who understood betrayal,” she expanded.
Another important step is obtaining full disclosure from the addicted partner. A large percentage of wives have at some point suspected their spouses had been acting out inappropriately, but when confronted, their husbands covered their actions with lies. This dishonesty can be as devastating as the betrayal itself. It also can leave women questioning their own judgment when they are told their suspicions are unfounded (which further deepens the trauma).
Because of this pattern of dishonesty it is critical for the addicted partner to come clean regarding all inappropriate behavior that occurred throughout the relationship. We see time and time again a husband swear that his wife knows everything only to have another transgression discovered. What this does is push the healing process back to square one and reinforces in the wife that she will never overcome the depth of the betrayal.
Christian counselors and clergy who work with women suffering from betrayal also need to be aware that the self-worth of these individuals has taken a strong hit. There often is a sense of worthlessness that is established as a woman tries to understand why her husband sought sexual stimulation with others.
“After I saw the images of the young women he was video chatting with I couldn’t help but start to compare myself to them,” said Naomi during one of her counseling sessions. “Here I was a mother of three weighing 25 pounds more than I should. How could I measure up to those women who didn’t have an ounce of fat on them? It’s obvious I am not good enough for him, which leads me to believe I would not be good enough for any man.”
It is critical to help them understand their self-worth is not found through their husbands but instead in Jesus Christ. “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12
As for forgiving and trusting again, a woman who has been betrayed needs time to process her emotional anguish. Forgiveness and trust are gifts that are hers along to decide if and when to give. To push a woman to this stage too soon will result in stalling the grieving process. While she may put up the appearance of forgiveness, she will be sitting on negative feelings and distrust that will likely manifest in other ways including passive-aggressive behaviors.
Tiffany Leeper expanded that, “Due to the addictive components of porn and the way it chemically changes the brain causing the addict to often times, retreat, pull away, and express anger towards their spouse, many women instantly take this upon themselves and incorrectly assume they caused it. They don’t realize at first that they have to go through a grieving process for who they believed that person to be and how addiction changes someone. In addition, when those types of negative and destructive thought patterns are reinforced by those they are hoping neutrally will acknowledge their pain and the wrong-doing that has occurred to them, anyone can see how this would cause trauma. The trauma then causes physical and emotional manifestations such as: anorexia, severe depression, suicidal thoughts and many more detriments. It is vital that pastoral communities especially know how to create a safe and empathetic environment for these spouses, and most importantly provide knowledgable responses and counseling referrals to a Christian counselor who is trained in sexually addictive behaviors properly.”
The wife of a sexually addicted spouse is vulnerable to re-traumatizing if the professional she turns to for assistance is not careful. As competent mental health professionals, we owe it to these women to put our biases aside and engage with them by making them feel valued, honored, and respected as children of the King. It is the same approach we take with their addicted husbands.
Eddie Capparucci, MA, LPC is a licensed Christian counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA. He is certified in the treatment of sexual addiction by the International Association of Certified Sexual Addiction Specialists and the American Association of Christian Counselors. Eddie is a frequent contributor to XXXChurch.com, GirlsAgainstPorn.com and MenAgainstPorn.org. He also started his own ministry to help men fight sexual addiction called SexuallyPureMen.com. Among his clients have been NFL and MLB players.
The headlines on Wednesday, April 5, 2017 read:
“Facebook is cracking down on revenge porn.”
Well, it’s about time! While we are excited that Facebook is taking this baby step, we also call on Facebook to do more and to do it sooner rather than later!
Let’s break this down:
- Facebook is “Cracking down.” While, the ‘flagging’ mechanism on Facebook is now the tool to use for this horrific situation, the investigative methods of Facebook have never been entirely transparent and, quite frankly, are not necessarily administered without partiality. In fact, they can’t be. The “cracking down” piece of this whole thing may not “crack” much at all.
- Revenge Porn. This type of porn is defined as the non-consensual sharing of photos. This could literally be any photo shared without prior knowledge. Is this not already illegal? Do they mean nude shots? Do they mean shots of the sex act? Do they mean photos of an intimate meal together? So, we ask Facebook to put an end to all porn on Facebook, regardless of how one qualifies it!
- To Build a Safer Community. This, they say, is their goal. Again, we applaud the sentiment, but if this were truly their goal, then would parameters not have been set in place at the outset of Facebook’s meteoric rise? Indeed, it seems that Facebook’s primary goal is profit. They’ve shown no real interest in the ‘good of the community’ in the past, often (with cowardice) hiding behind the protections of the First Amendment.
We ask you, Facebook: “Why are you just now taking action so many years after realizing there is a problem?” We have laws on the books, in over 30 states, against revenge porn. And, though the laws are not consistently applied, their presence represents action against this crime. Yes, it’s a criminal activity.
We further know that somewhere around 2,000 porn sites are dedicated to revenge porn sites. Studies reveal that 93% of revenge porn victims suffer significant loss in every meaningful area of life: emotional, financial, occupational, etc.
That’s NINE out of TEN.
All of this data (only the tip of the iceberg) begs a question: Would not ALL porn that’s shared on Facebook be considered non-consensual, revenge porn?
After all, porn-for-profit is, by its very nature, non-consensual. Full consent implies freedom of consent that cannot (ever!) be full when someone profits (gains) off of another’s loss.
Let’s face it #Facebook, it’s taken too long for you to behave in a way that’s simply civil.
That’s right. This action is the least you should have done.
It’s the bare minimum requirement a civil society ought to expect of the institutions that shape and mold its culture.
My final word to all the executives of Facebook: Your money-making machine was built on a system of shame and sexual abuse, and exploitation (just study the history). As such, you and all the decision-makers are complicit in the destabilization of society we’ve experience on your watch. Yet, you can reverse the course. You can stem the tide. You can do more. You must do more.
If you, and businesses like you, don’t start to take these problems seriously, then we and others like us will!
Biz with MenAgainstPorn!
By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, MAP Clinical Contributor & Expert
How do you want to be remembered?
It’s probably not a question we men ponder often. But we should. In fact, it’s probably one of the most critical questions we should ask ourselves. Why? Because whether we like it or not, we are role models. People are watching us. And when they’re watching they are observing how we:
· Respond to conflict
· Treat others
· Approach our work and responsibilities
· Act in moments when integrity counts most
· Honor our wives
Whether we realize it or not, people are watching. These include our spouse, children, co-workers, friends and neighbors. And what they are observing is the establishing of our legacy – the way people will remember us.
But there is a cancer that is killing the legacies of many men in our world today. It’s called pornography.
“It’s difficult to look at him the same way since finding out about his pornography addiction,” said Mark, a 24-year-old whose father confessed after his 33-year addiction was discovered. “It’s not that I don’t love him anymore but my image of the man who always did the right thing has been tainted by the pain he caused my mother.”
Whether your spouse and children are aware of your pornography use, you are cheating them. The image they hold of you is nothing more than a façade. Each day, thousands of men are caught engaging in the selfish pleasure of pornography, which results in the breaking of their wives’ and children’s hearts. It is a betrayal that destroys marriages and robs children of their innocence.
“My husband left his pornography unattended and our 12-year-old son stumbled across it,” says one mother. “He then started to act out what he saw with his 9-year-old sister. Both of my children are forever damaged by my husband’s filthy habit. Bringing pornography into our home destroyed all of our lives and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him.”
As men, we can do many things our loved ones respect and admire. But all those deeds are undermined when we allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness of pornography. Failing to get control of our lust can undermine everything we work hard to achieve while leaving those close to us seeing us through tainted lenses.
“People in our community look up to him and he is a Deacon in our church,” remarks Suzanne, who continues to struggle with feelings of betrayal after discovering her husband’s long-time pornography use. “But the image he portrays is phony. He’s not the man they think he is. When I hear someone praise him I cringe. Yet, he keeps up the charade, which leads me to slowly continue to lose whatever respect I still have for him.”
As men, we must challenge ourselves to uncover the insights behind our use of pornography. You don’t engage because of an uncontrollable sexual hunger. You engage to distract yourself from emotional distress. And in many cases, you may not be conscious of what that emotional pain is about.
There is no doubt that pornography is an excellent tool that helps men escape. But it also is a damaging tool that kills legacies.
How do you want to be remembered?
You think porn is someone else’s problem? You may want to view this quick new report and reevaluate your position!
Porn consumption continues to grow at a break-neck pace in our society.
Sending and receiving personal pornographic images, via text from a child’s phone – known as ‘sexting’ – continues to rise!
As parents, we need to be equipped with the facts so we can engage in the fight!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBn0I0tToaA&feature=youtu.be
Such realities are directly related to the proliferation of pornography! While the porn industry is desperately trying to clean up their act, we know that there is no such thing as good, clean porn!
The current social toxins our children have to navigate are directly related to the proliferation of pornography!
If you’d like to know how to get involved, for the sake of your children, reach out to us. We can help!
Try these three quick tips to engage your children and prepare your home to withstand porn’s assault
- Talk to your child! Let your son or daughter know that you know how easy it is for someone to see porn these days. Take the ‘sting’ out of it by letting them know that you are always open to discuss the matter when it occurs.
- Ask them directly! Just ask your child if they’ve seen porn. They will likely say ‘no,’ but pay attention to their body language. If you suspect they aren’t entirely truthful in their response, then craft out intentional time and space with them, so they will feel safe to discuss it with you.
- Spend time with your child. Porn addiction is nurtured in the fertile soil of isolation. Your best defense is a strong offense! Be proactive with fun, productive activities!
MenAgainstPorn!
Three Steps Any Parent Can Take to Prepare Your Children to Prevent and Have Victory Over Porn
Step One: Understand and Teach this: There is no such thing as ‘good’ porn.
This is crucial. Many of us tolerate porn because our culture is so tolerant of it, or because we are trapped or hooked to it.
If you are confused about porn’s devasting influence, then click this link, http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/pornography_is_what_the_end_of_the_world_looks_like_20150215#.VOI89eX4huE.twitter
The porn industry is on a break-neck pace to clean up its image and rebrand its product. Don’t be fooled. Porn is not sex. It’s the opposite of sex.
Step Two: Begin discussing sexuality and porn, particularly, while your children are young.
Children are being tricked into viewing porn at very young ages – sometimes as young as five to six years of age. This is not by accident. The industry targets them and hopes to exploit their innocence and curiosity before they are old enough to understand the ramifications.
If you want a resource to tackle this, then click here.
Step Three: Beware of too much technology, too early.
It’s time parents wake-up to the destructive reality of porn and begin to prevent their children’s access to it. This means that parents should be wary of putting a smart phone in their kids hands too early. The internet is the porn industry’s Mississippi River – it’s the pathway to the world. So, keep your children safe by keeping them away from the river, so to speak.
If you already have technology in your home (most of us do), then check out these options for filtering and blocking software. Click here, http://www.toptenreviews.com/software/security/best-internet-filter-software/
Join us in our efforts to eradicate porn in our life time!
This edition of MAP’s Mid – week minute is a simple reminder of our Give Up Lust for Lent Campaign. Check out Eddie’s blog, here, for encouragement!
If I could give the world one gift, it would be the gift of confession. Confession of our failures and shortcomings is a vital practice or rhythm, especially for men – or anyone – struggling with a porn habit or addiction.
If I could give the world a second gift, it would be grace. Grace to receive the confession and welcome the repentance that comes with confession. Both of these are something we sorely lack in our modern world. In our homes, neighborhoods, synagogues and sanctuaries, places of work, schools, etc., we lack confessional grace.
If I could give the world a third gift, it would be loving truth. I pair these together because to separate them from one another is to tear at the heart of both. Where there is love, there is truth and where there is truth, there is love.
If you’re struggling with a porn addiction or habit, we at MAP know that you need to experience all of the above mentioned gifts – you need to know that they are reliable and trustworthy. We encourage you to reach out and and confess your struggle, habit, or addiction, to someone whom you love and who loves you!
If you don’t have that person, then reach out to us. We, like you, are just a bunch of guys trying to live the life we’ve been called to live: knowing that porn disables our efforts at every turn.
Truth is: I don’t need to give the world these gifts. In fact, this time of year is a season in which we celebrate the embodiment of each of these gifts. The embodiment of loving truth and confessional grace is found in the person and work of Christ.
Let Him journey with you as he journeys with us and we – together – commit to “Give Up Lust For Lent.”
Biz
