Can I Break My Addiction?

“I have tried and tried to break this addiction.  I make it for a few days, or weeks – one time I even made it for several months – but I always seem to slip back into porn and fall flat on my face.  Can I ever be free of this addiction?”

I’ve heard statements like this one dozens, possibly hundreds, of times in my life.  I’ve even said it myself, on numerous occasions.  Down to this very day, though porn no longer has the hold on me it once did, I can easily be tempted and begin to traipse down the wrong path.

Yet, even now, I can – and do – live in (and into) freedom.  

You can too.  

You may not be perfect, but you can be free!  If you’re struggling with this thought, take a minute and read the following 7 tips designed to encourage you give you the STRENGTH to fight on!

1.      Struggle with porn does not necessarily mean addiction to porn.  Let’s face it: we live in a porn-saturated society.  The sexual objectification of humankind has become the most dominate social imaginary, or narrative (cultural waters in which we swim) of the modern era.  If you’ve every struggled with porn, you likely always battle it because the culture in which we live has embraced it and absorbed it at alarming rates!

2.      Relapse or setbacks may happen, but every moment of victory you’ve experienced has ‘raised the floor’ for you.  As such, you don’t have to fall as far!  The significant moment is the moment of response to your relapse.  Don’t sulk in your misery and don’t believe the lie the relapse is perpetuating!  Rather . . . .

3.      Engage in meaningful activities.  Listen, you are made to do really cool things.  You have unique gifts and your life brings significant contributions to others.  Go out there and get after it!

4.       Never give up!  #Nuffsaid!

5.      Grab a friend who can help you on this journey!  I do not believe that you can live in victory and isolation at the same time.  Freedom requires loving, meaningful, and caring community.  Don’t stay stuck in the isolation – that will lead to further relapse. Get out and grab a friend whose willing to go with you!

6.      Take some time to enjoy the good things you have in life!  I find that gratitude helps me stay strong, especially when I’m down on myself.  No matter how hard the battle is or how far my fall has been, when I stop and recount all the good things or blessings in my life, my perspective changes.  Think about your health, your home, your relationships, your work, your skills, talents, family, etc.  Focus on good things for a while!

7.      Habit your way back into freedom!  I know that’s an odd way to say it, but the simple fact is this: your porn addiction or sexual compulsion is now a habitual behavioral pattern that you’ve developed over time.  You have to develop new patterns and reroute those neural pathways toward health and wholeness. 

Remember when you played sports?  Coaches know this truth and teach it. 

It’s called muscle memory. 

Some say it takes between 3,000 – and 5,000 repetitions to establish new muscle memory patterns. 

It can be done, but it only comes with intention and practice!

I hope this helps.  If so share it with those you know and love.

We at Men Against Porn seek nothing short of the eradication of porn in our life time.  Frankly, we need your help to see this come to fruition.

It’s time to speak up and stand with us.

Biz

MenAgainstPorn

Full Disclosure to the Wife: Should He, Or Shouldn’t He, Part 2

FULL DISCLOSURE TO THE WIFE

SHOULD HE, OR SHOULDN’T HE?

By Melody O’Malley, BA

Part Two

This is the second part of an article examining how some pastors and counselors are re-traumatizing women who are trying to deal with the sexual betrayals of their husbands.

For part one, click this link: http://www.menagainstporn.org/blog/2017/5/2/full-disclosure-to-the-wife-should-he-or-shouldnt-he

 4 Reasons Some Pastors/Counselors Don’t Believe in Disclosure

 1. They discount the depth of magnitude the husband’s sin is having in the home and marriage.  These individuals who are supposed to be helping women deal with betrayal, do not recognize the emotional, psychological, sexual, financial and sometimes physical abuse that often goes together with sexual sin/addiction and infidelity. 

Many are prioritizing the man’s right to privacy over the wife’s right to know the depth of the unfaithfulness that has taken place.  There are countless women suffering from mysterious STDs who could benefit psychologically by knowing how they got them.  Many of these women and their children are dealing with angry men who express frustration and sometimes rage to shut down the wife’s emotional response to the infidelity.

 2. Many focus on “there are two sides to every story” approach to deal with the problem.  Most marriage counselors will focus on helping couples deal with issues that trouble each individual and have led to a strain in the relationship. However, when it comes to addiction and abuse, this technique is wrong. This counseling approach blames the wife for her husband’s sins. 

This is dangerous because it provides the husband with an excuse for his behavior. Worse yet, it sends some women on a painful and unnecessary witch hunt to determine what is wrong with them.  Most likely, her husband has been blaming her for years to justify his behaviors (this is a technique called gas-lighting that is used to distract responsibility).  This exercise would result in destroying what little self-worth the wife has left. Some counselors and pastors fail to address the issue by trying to stay neutral. But this is false neutrality.  Without knowing it, those who think they are staying neutral, are siding with the abuser/offender to the detriment of the victim.

 3. They, themselves, may be struggling or given over to the same sins.  When a person able to counsel is deeply involved in sexual sin, it robs them of their spiritual authority and influence in others’ lives.  Due to their sin, I believe this may be a reason for discouraging a man to give a full disclosure.

 4. There are women who prefer NOT to know.  I have met five of these women who prefer to deny their husbands’ hidden life.  Only five.  Of those five, the reason two of them have for wanting to stay in ignorant bliss, is because they intuitively know the exposure of their husband’s sin would cost them their standard of living – huge house, multiple cars, extravagant lifestyle. And for one, her standing in the community as a good Pastor’s wife would turn her world upside down. These women also realize exposure could cost them their family’s good standing and reputation within the community.

Another woman I have met – whose husband tried to tell her of his sexual sins 10 years earlier – didn’t want to know and was scared to death to know the truth.  Instead, she consumed herself with church volunteerism and various good works to avoid thinking about it. When I met this woman, she was just finding out her husband had been soliciting prostitutes their entire marriage.  

And there are the women who choose not to know because they are in a marriage with a violent abuser who they fear.  I have met two women through my support group who lived this oppressive reality.  They were heroic to simply get by each day and knew that they or their children would get hurt if she confronted anything about his sinfulness. Both of these women were eventually able to get out of their unfaithful abuser’s grip, but many women struggle to break free in this situation.

In closing, I’d like to give you a true life story.  In one of the small support groups I was in for women following D-Day, there was a beautiful young wife.  Her husband had just told her of his on-going affairs throughout the last 12 years of their marriage.  The detail that gave her the most anger and grief was in the reality of how she’d contracted a serious STD seven years prior to this disclosure.  She recollected with us how confused she had been when the symptoms began and how she had gone to her doctor.  

After finding out about the STD, she initiated going with her husband to their pastor and two counselors.  Her husband had allowed all of them to insinuate and accuse her of adultery and promiscuity.  For 7 years, her husband had allowed multiple important people in this woman’s life to suspect her and judge her character. FOR 7 YEARS!  Just so he could stay private and continue in ongoing sin. 

Despite her longstanding integrity and reputation within the community, and the fact that she had pursued the counsel, none of those in authority questioned her husband’s faithfulness. ONLY HERS!  It became crystal clear to me that day, that a husband who has strayed, or who has an addiction should always be encouraged to give his wife a full disclosure.  It is only through full disclosure that a wife is given the truth needed to decide whether to stay or leave and the relief and reassurance from all that she endured during the fog of the unknown.

So, if a pastor, family member, friend or counselor is faced with factual information about a husband’s sexual unfaithfulness from him or others (and this includes actual affairs, fantasy affairs, pornography use, etc.), or if they are being asked by a wife for help in attaining a much-needed full disclosure from her husband, perhaps we can start to see things more empathetically from the victim’s point of view.  As long as the infidelity remains hidden and only a hunch within the wife, she stays in the dark.  The marriage and family stays in the dark. 

The Church and community stays in the dark.  The man is heading toward eternal darkness. The disclosure can bring much relief emotionally and mentally, and it can bring the wife much-needed support that she needed all along.  Unfortunately, a wife who only has a “hunch” or “gut feeling”, is usually judged as “paranoid or controlling”…especially if her husband has been successful at maintaining a squeaky-clean image within the community.  When truth comes out, the wife immediately receives the affirmation and validation that she needs.  The husband benefits from the accountability that is created by the truth being brought to light.  If he is earnest to overcome his sinful tendencies, this will be a good thing.  If he is not, then the wife still benefits.  

It’s very important to realize that if the wife discovers the truth later and learns that others kept the truth from her, this will be an extra burden of betrayal and trauma.

And the truth shall set you free…for those willing to be set free.

Full Disclosure to the Wife: Should He, or Shouldn’t He?

FULL DISCLOSURE TO THE WIFE: SHOULD HE, OR SHOULDN’T HE?

By Melody O’Malley, BA

 Part One

With today’s rampant epidemic of infidelity – even within Christian marriages – the topic of whether or not the wife should benefit from a full disclosure is an idea that’s getting a lot more attention. But should a husband fully disclose his sexual misconduct and come clean to his wife? As a wife of one of these husbands, I have to say an emphatic, YES! 

Over the span of my 21-year marriage by the time of D-day (“disclosure day”) I had been tortured with bits and pieces of information regarding my “Christian” husband’s sexual transgressions. When he would confess, he would give me only the bare minimum to deceive me into thinking he was telling me everything. I so desperately wanted to believe in his goodness, but the dynamic in our home and marriage kept going from bad to worse as little by little details he elected to share came into light.  

Meanwhile, the worst details stayed hidden.  I knew in my spirit something was terribly wrong even after he would swear he’d told me everything.  It wasn’t until two years ago I finally got the full disclosure (or at least I hope).  Naturally, I was shocked and horrified to find out the details of his hidden life were far worse than I had ever imagined.  However, I experienced the gravity of that moment as a Heavenly Grace and provision to me in that it was a relief to FINALLY have clarity as to why our marriage had fallen short of my hopes and dreams.  

Should a man disclose his sins like this to his wife?  Yes, he should and here’s why. The Bible is emphatic that when a man and a woman marry, the two are to become one flesh.  How on earth can this ever happen if a husband is hiding an entire portion of his life from his wife?  God has made her in a way in which her spiritual antennae will be on high alert, knowing something is not right.  This was not God’s plan for marriage.  If they are to become one, there can be no secrets, deception, or lying.  As painful and difficult as it is, there’s simply no other way.  For a man to allow his wife to wonder and guess for years, decades, or until even after his death, is cruel and torturous.

Why then are so many women in this situation counseled that they should not need a full disclosure from their husbands, or worse yet, be judged as paranoid, unforgiving, or controlling when they communicate their need to know?  Why are husbands discouraged from being honest with their wives?  There are several reasons for this.  I’ve collected this information by interviewing numerous pastors and counselors on the topic.  I interviewed them to find one who would help my husband and me long-term. I needed to know it was going to be someone who would encourage my husband to continue being honest.  If we were to survive, I couldn’t handle any more secrets. 

4 Reasons Some Pastors/Counselors Discourage Disclosure

1.  Women can’t handle the truth about the betrayals.  How sad I thought this was.  The truth is many counselors, pastors and people in general – especially males – can’t handle the display of valid, yet strong emotion.  Let’s be real here.  Is a woman really supposed to sit like a zombie while hearing her worst nightmares coming to light? Not only is that unrealistic, it’s un-Christ-like.  Some pastors or counselors see the husband in his calm and collected state as reliable and emotionally stable. On the other hand, the wife, who is dealing with trauma, is seen as less trustworthy.  This is a common discrimination and unspoken bias.  If his wife displays the appropriate emotions associated with her trauma, a husband can find some pastors or counselors will point the finger at her as being the main source of their marital problems. The wife’s appropriate emotional responses become the focus of discussion instead of the reason she is reacting!  

This has nothing to do with women being unable to handle the truth about her husband’s betrayals. I have yet to meet a woman who can’t handle the truth.  I’ve met hundreds who can’t handle lies and manipulation.  I’d like to propose that it’s the female genius to forgive and extend mercy.  I wish these pastors and counselors could see the mercy demonstrated by women in my online support group (over 3,000 worldwide) and how they are willing to work with their wayward husbands to save their marriages.

Not only CAN women handle the truth…but they DO, at a most supernatural level. I asked one pastor who told me women can’t handle the truth if he had any examples to share. He spoke about a couple he worked within which the woman had the affair.  When it was brought to the husband’s attention, he filed for a divorce the next day.  However, in thinking, the pastor had no recollection of a woman not being able to handle the information.  He had been judging women based on their very appropriate emotional and traumatized responses to the information.

 2. “Sin is between God and him. He has no obligation to tell her.”  This may sound holy, but it’s not Scriptural. King David tried to get away with this one after he cheated with Bathsheba and killed her husband.  God sent Nathan the Priest to confront him and expose him! In fact, God has inspired it so that David’s sin is now in the light for everyone to see who reads the Bible until the end of time!  Sin has its consequences within relationships!  To think sexual sin in particular only affects the individual himself is simply shortsighted and naïve at best. 

3. “It’s better to leave the past in the past. Why tell the wife?”   This reason was given by a pastor who told me when a husband comes to him and confesses a transgression he considers the situation “over”. He will not encourage the husband to tell his wife.  Here’s the problem with that thinking. If the wife isn’t told, the husband is more likely to do it over and over again!  Also, if a man is prone to affairs, he may very likely be involved in pornography and have a full-blown addiction. If this is the case, one cannot trust anything he is saying, whether or not the affair is over or not.  In addition, it’s likely the wife already believes something is going on but could never prove it.  Also, it’s certain that in order to hide the affair, the husband had to neglect or abuse aspects of the marital relationship. If he indeed loves his wife, he needs, to be honest, and repented so she can understand the past patterns of neglect and bring clarity to the confusion she feels.  For example, most adulterous men will avoid sexual relationships with their wives leaving them feeling undesirable and disconnected.  This can cause incredible insecurity. Knowing he was doing it to hide an affair provides the wife with insight that she is blameless and allows her to regain her self-worth.  Allowing a wife to flounder in the unknown is lacking in compassion and cruel.

 4. “It’s selfish for a man to give full disclosure.  He torments her to ease his own conscience.”  This thinking really goes back to the false understanding that women can’t handle the truth.  Plus, it would be music to most cheaters’ ears to have a pastor or counselor say this and leave him deceived in thinking that it’s the “selfless” choice to remain in his hidden world!

Stay with us as Part Two in our Series of “We’re Leaving the Spouse Behind” will be posted next week!

MenAgainstPorn

Suffering From Intrusive Sexual Thoughts? Starve Them!

Suffering From Intrusive Sexual Thoughts?  Starve Them!

By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS

“What can I do about the sexual images that randomly pop into my head from when I use to visit strip clubs,” asked Larry during one of our session.

My answer? “Nothing.”

I could see my reply took Larry by surprise and I could almost see the thought running through his mind, “What kind of help is that?”

But there was more I needed to share with Larry. “There is nothing you can do to prevent them from entering your stream of thought,” I said. “They are intrusive thoughts and you can’t control them from entering your mind. The solution lies in what you do with those images when they appear.”

Everyone deals with intrusive thoughts but not all are impure. But for the man suffering with a pornography or sexual addiction, sexually-explicit, intrusive thoughts are common.

Why?

Because over the years these men have gathered a warehouse of images that are stored away and able to appear at a moment’s notice whether they want to recall them or not. For men in recovery, intrusive thoughts are annoying and frustrating. But as Larry was about to learn, there is nothing he can do to stop an intrusive thought from developing. However, he has the capability of managing it once it appears.

Starve it!

When a sexually-intrusive thought appears, it can be handled quickly and efficiently by following two steps.

First, take the thought and imagine it is sitting right in front of you (this is called externalizing). Stare at the image and say, “I am going to starve you”. What you are deciding to do is not to allow the image to become a full-blown fantasy. You have instead elected to take control over your thoughts instead of allowing them to control you.

Once you inform the image you are going to starve it, you need to shift your focus to something healthy.

Scripture provides direction on how to do this.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8.

In most case, the image fades. However, should it reappear, simply do the exercise again. Remember, you are in control with what happens to that image.  

Ask Yourself “Why Now?”

After externalizing the image, I encourage men to ask themselves the question, “Why now?” “Why are you (the image) bothering me now?” If we take a few moments and self-reflect on the “why now” question, we usually discover we’re drained in one or more of four areas: physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. And as I tell my clients, “When we are drained, bad things happen.”

But unlike what we did to our intrusive thought – starving it – we will do the opposite to correct our feeling of being drained. Instead, we will feed it by seeking healthy lifelines that replenish us and restore our physical, emotional, mental, and/or spiritual well-being. Each of us have different lifelines, part of your recovery is finding those that work best for you.

Moving forward, remember to starve intrusive sexual thoughts, and feed your depleted self. In doing so, you will be more alert and able to push aside the triggers and temptations that surround you.

Eddie C.

MenAgainstPorn