As a counselor who specializes in sexual and pornography addiction treatment, I see many men who battle with shame because of their inability to manage their addiction. They believe they have failed their loved ones, themselves, and God. They struggle to believe God would want to have anything to do with them. And they can’t be more incorrect.
Today, guest columnist Tom Moucka, the president of Samson Society, an organization dedicated to helping men move beyond pornography, shares how Jesus never judges or shames us. That despite our brokenness, He sees the individual that God created.
Mark 5:1-10
They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him. This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain. For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and in the hills, he would cry out and cut himself with stones.
When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name, don’t torture me!” For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!”
Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”
“My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.” And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.
This poor man is a heartbreaking character. He lived in cave-like tombs where people laid the bodies of their dead to decompose so they could gather the bones and repeat. He had lost his mind to the control of wicked spirits, and over the years, people tried over and over again to bind him with ropes and even chains. Like the beast in “Beauty and the Beast”, he was ostracized and feared. His pain, external and internal, must have been crushingly unbearable, horrific and relentless. He even cuts himself in a desperate attempt for control over his
Intuitively, or prompted by the wicked spirits, he recognizes Jesus as the Son of the Most High God and begs for mercy. Was it a last-ditch effort or simple acknowledgment? No one knows, but Jesus sizes up the situation quickly, looks at the man but speaks directly to the spirit. It is a beautiful mixture of authority and compassion. He doesn’t fault the man. He knows the man no longer has a personal identity, his trauma is so deep he is the home of so much darkness they self-identify as “legion.” No matter how dark our situation is, in the company of Jesus we are safe. He will always love us as we are, where we are, for who we are. The good news is, no matter how deep the hurt, or dark the darkness, he can love us back to him.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17
Knowing there are powerful forces arrayed against us, Paul says the day of evil will come, we just don’t know when. So he says we are to put on our armor every day, in the same way, we dress ourselves every morning. Truth is the foundation, righteousness protects our torso like a bulletproof vest, our boots are the gospel of peace which gives us a sense of prepared confidence, our shield is our faith, our helmet is our salvation, and the scriptures act like a sword the Holy Spirit has taught us to use. The point here is, it is a battle we must be prepared to fight at any moment – hand-to-hand combat with a powerful enemy. The weapons God has provided for us take practice to become proficient with over time. That’s why we do these devotions every day. We ponder the truth, we learn the righteousness and peace of Christ are ours, our faith grows and our minds are renewed as we soak in God’s word and lift up our hearts in prayer . . . daily. That’s the key. We must stick with this discipline over time. And with time our ability to fight the enemy will strengthen more and more. We can’t let up; the fight will come… And one more thing: we need to pass these weapons on to our children and grandchildren – their battles will be even more fearsome than our own.
To find out more information about the amazing work being done by Samson House who men struggling with sexual impurity check out its website at: www.samsonsociety.com
My son once asked me, “Dad, if you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?” To his surprise, I said, “I wish I would have told someone sooner about the sexual abuse I suffered and endured as a child for 3 years.”
Kendall wasn’t as surprised by what I said as he was by what I didn’t say. I didn’t tell him I would’ve change any of the following:
· My father abandoning me when I was 2 years old
· My mother abusing throughout my childhood years
· His mother divorcing me after my porn addiction and multiple affairs
· Or even the family member abusing me
And when he asked me “Why not?” I told him, “Because you can’t control the choices and actions of others; however, you can control how you choose to respond to the actions of others.”
Most men who’ve struggled, as I did, with porn and sexual addiction are used to suffering in silence. Our hope is that we’ll be able to eventually strong-will ourselves into resisting and abstaining from acting on every lustful impulse or desire. We will attempt to use porn filters on our computers and cell phones; try bouncing our eyes whenever we see beautiful women; pop rubber bands on our wrist whenever we’re tempted, and need I say, try to read the best blogs or books on the subject, hoping something will miraculously “cure” us of our self-destructive behavior.
Having done all of the above mentioned, as well as attending a recovery group for 7 years, completing a 12-step program (4 times), and seeking personal and marital counseling for 3 years, I’m convinced that the most important step in breaking free from porn is one word: Connection.
The truth is, porn and any other addiction is just the opposite of connection. Porn allows us to disconnect from reality, from people, from our pain, our pressures, and our past trauma. Porn allows us to medicate, sedate, and isolate ourselves, and it keeps us from being vulnerable and transparent with the people who matter most to us.
I often say, God will only choose to heal what we reveal, not conceal. Just ask Adam and Eve. And there’s no healing without connection.
Because I chose to hold onto my secrets about the abuse, I was consumed with shame and guilt. I didn’t try to connect with those who mattered most to me; instead, I tried to hide from my pain, suppress my shame, and bury my guilt, hoping no one would ever see the internal and emotional wounds that were eating me alive.
Not only am I convinced that connection is the key to conquering porn or any addiction, I believe it’s also the key to spiritual, emotional, and mental health. Our connection to God, our family, our friends, our “battle buddies,” and those we love, is the healing balm we need for recovery and sustainable victory over porn.
Now having been porn free for 14 years, I teach the hundreds of men I mentor and coach in our Real Men 300 program (RealMen300.com) that a man is only as strong as the support (connection) he has with other men. Because ultimately, the weight of life, including porn, will always crush a man who tries to bear it alone.
I told my son, if I could go back and talk to 12-year-old me again, I would tell him:
1.“IT’S not your fault.”
2.“Tell someone you trust about IT.”
3.“Let others help you carry IT…so the healing can begin.”
I’m asking you now to do the same.
Dr. Joe Martin is an author, award-winning international speaker, and certified Man Builder. He’s the creator and founder of RealMenConnect.com and the host of the Real Men Connect podcast – the #1-rated podcast on iTunes for Christian men. He’s also a husband and father of a blended family of two. He can be reached at realmenconnect@gmail.com. His website is RealMenConnect.com.
Dr. Tom Moucka, president of Samson House provides us with insight regarding the need to bring our sinful nature out of the darkness and into the light.
”So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.” Ephesians 4:17-19
It wasn’t easy to be a follower of Jesus in the first century. It isn’t easy now. Old habits die hard when we give them space in our lives and allow them to live in the shadows. I know that first hand. They slowly, imperceptibly, harden our hearts. A hard heart is slow to respond to the nudges of the Holy Spirit, and the ways of Jesus become annoying. The heart loses its sensitivity to dark things and prefers them over the light of truth. After a time the temporary lift of indulging in secret sin is preferred over the joy of walking in the company of the Lord. A downward spiral ensues and the heart gets harder. Eventually, the telltale sign of a hard heart shows its ugly face – greed.
The good news is Jesus can soften our hearts again. It isn’t easy but absolutely necessary (Paul says he insists on it). First, we have to admit to Jesus we have a secret (it won’t shock him – he already knows), and ask him to help us. Then bring it out of the darkness into the light by admitting it to a trusted friend(s). If our secret sin has caused harm to others, we need to make amends with them, and then hang out with those who want to live in the light, encouraging each other as you enjoy your newly softened hearts. Finally, practice generosity – it transforms that ugly face of greed to a happy one of joy.
With the psalmist, let’s ask the Lord to search our hearts and show us if there is anything hiding in the shadows that might be blocking our relationship with him.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)
To find out more information about the amazing work being done by Samson House who men struggling with sexual impurity check out its website at: www.samsonsociety.com
Recovering from sexual addiction is much more than just removing unwanted sexual behaviors from our lives. What does “real” recovery look like? Check out the video below from our friends at Pure Sex Radio to find out.
I am often asked for resources to help fight porn addiction. While there are many on our website, I want to take a minute and direct you to one that I have found quite helpful.
I am going to repost a blog that I found on their site and then give you the link so you can navigate it glean from all the resources they provide. Remember, there are people out there who can help you!
You don’t have to stay trapped!
The name of the organization is Be Broken! I love that!! They are based in Texas but they have wonderful online resources and they hold weekend retreats and conferences in other parts of the country. I think one is coming to Florida soon (More on that later).
Check out this insightful blog – especially for all those who think “being right” is always the most important thing!
When Being Right is Wrong, by Jonathan Daughtery
There is a mistake I see virtually every man make in recovery. It is the mistake of defending “rightness.” Let me explain.
Every man who enters recovery has a history of deception; of others as well as himself. He has told so many lies it would be pointless to try and tally them up. When the truth of his secrets comes to light, the people closest to him recoil in shock and hurt. They feel the sting of betrayal that his lies brought. They wonder if they can ever again believe anything this man tells them.
As the man pursues recovery and begins to experience some healing and freedom, he realizes that the ones he hurt are not so quick to “get on board” with his new life. They remain skeptical, even defensive; even accusatory. And for the man in recovery this causes him to feel the ironic sting of hurt and befuddlement. Few, however, recognize the irony. Instead, they rail against the accusations with a fervor of “righteousness.”
