The definitions of the following two words come from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
Notice: to become aware of (something or someone)
Objectify: to treat as an object or cause to have objective reality
Why have I shared these definitions with you? Too often, those in recovery – both the betrayer and betrayed – get confused when determining whether or not the betrayer is struggling with street lust.
Let’s listen to a check-in that occurred between one recovering couple.
Wife: So, did you have any struggles today?
Husband: Well, I had one struggle when I stopped in a convenience store. A woman was standing off to the side, which I saw. I noticed she was attractive.
Wife: Did you look at her a second time?
Husband: No, I did not.
Wife: Then why did you say it was a struggle? You must have looked a second or third time if there was a struggle.
Husband: I saw her once and did not look for more than one second. I only observed that she was pretty and then moved on.
Wife: There must be more to the story because you told me that you were struggling, and if you thought you were struggling, that means you probably couldn’t get her out of your mind.
In this scenario, the husband did not struggle. But he believes he has done something wrong by looking in the direction of another woman and noticing her. Nothing could be further from the truth.
This husband’s actions signal a common misconception: equating noticing with struggling. However, the truth lies in discerning the intention and actions that follow the initial observation. Noticing someone’s attractiveness is a natural human response. Still, it is the subsequent behaviors that determine whether one has crossed the line into objectification.
Crossing the Line
However, if a husband engages in one of the following activities, he has moved beyond noticing and toward objectification.
1. Canvassing the area and actively scanning his surroundings for attractive individuals indicates a pursuit for visual stimulation. There is no room in recovery for people-watching. Instead, we must stay focused on our mission (why we are out in public) and redirect our attention when encountering someone attractive. The focus should turn back to our mission.
2. Turning back for a second or third look. When a man succumbs to the allure of an attractive person, dopamine amplifies, and he has crossed over into the world of objectification. Again, he has lost focus of his mission and allowed himself to be distracted.
3. You start checking out body parts. Now, this, too, is not a black-and-white situation. While it is inevitable to notice physical attributes, fixating on a woman in yoga pants is crossing the line. That is why it is critical to shift your attention and focus elsewhere. But I have worked with men who have been convinced if they saw part of a woman’s body, they are lusting. This is not true. In this case, when a man sees a woman whose clothing reveals parts of her body, he should calmly turn away and re-shift his attention. It does not become objectification until a man starts to objectify and fantasize.
4. You later use the image of the woman to fantasize and perhaps masturbate. Utilizing mental images of individuals you had earlier observed solidifies the objectification process. If you refrain from indulging in fantasy, you honor others and build your integrity muscle.
Summing It Up
Being able to distinguish between noticing and objectifying is critical for a man in recovery who wants to keep his partner feeling secure. But to accomplish this objective, he must engage in mindfulness and commit to respectfully acknowledge those around him. This commitment must identify the inherent worth of every individual he sees during his missions. Forget about bouncing your eyes and instead focus on seeing people as people and not objects.
“I have not looked at porn in over two years,” said Timmy, who has been married for 23 years and has struggled with pornography since he was 14. “But my wife still pays very little attention to me and will not reconcile sexually. It’s frustrating, and I have no idea what to do.”
Listening to Timmy, many counselors may be sympathetic toward his situation. Here is a man who has done the recovery work to remain pure from porn, yet his wife remains disengaged. Based on Timmy‘s input, some clinicians would be sympathetic toward him while condemning his wife’s actions. However, I have seen this scenario far too many times to jump to that conclusion.
You see, Timmy is one of those men who believes if he is no longer engaging in destructive behaviors, the relationship between him and his wife should be restored. However, he could not be more wrong. No longer engaging in pornography alone will not make a large majority of betrayed mates feel safe. So why is that?
Because while men like Timmy may have eliminated their bad behaviors, good behaviors that build relationships and encourage closeness are usually not exhibited. Let’s go back to Timmy’s situation.
Speaking to his wife, Taylor, she says although Timmy reports no longer looking at pornography, he is still very defensive, continuously checking his cell phone and not engaging with her and the children the way she would like despite numerous requests. Therefore, She refuses to move toward him because she does not trust he has stopped looking at pornography.
“He told me he is no longer doing that, and therefore I should believe it,” she told me. “But none of his other behaviors, which were just as troubling, have changed. I don’t see him making any positive behavioral changes that would make me feel more secure. And if he is not changing in other areas, why should I believe he no longer looks at porn?”
Who could argue with that? I certainly could not. A man in recovery needs to understand no longer engaging in bad behaviors is not enough to restore his relationship. Instead, his mate is looking to see a transformed heart and new actions that demonstrate selflessness.
The most effective way to help someone who is betrayed is through consistent actions that show “I am invested in us”. Actions such as being outwardly focused, emotionally engaged, curious, mindful, and completely transparent, to name a few. The only way to demonstrate to your partner a commitment to being faithful moving forward is by showing her a renewed heart focused on loving and honoring her always.
In my upcoming book entitled Why Men Struggle To Love, you will learn why BEING SOBER IS NOT ENOUGH and understand how to develop a transformed heart. Now available at Amazon.
Join Us For a Special Virtual Retreat Weekend Feb. 26-28
Tired of constant failure when it comes to defeating your porn/sex addiction? Are you struggling to emotionally connect and engage with loved ones? Well, there is real help available for you.
Husband Material is sponsoring a virtual retreat that will focus on helping individuals overcome porn/sex addiction and how to learn to be more emotionally connected with other.
Dr. Eddie Capparucci will demonstrate how unresolved childhood pain points lead to addictive behaviors. He also will be sharing his work in the development of the 14 Blind Spots that inhibit an individual’s ability to foster healthy intimate relationships.
The retreat will also consist of small group discussions and various exercises designed to help you gain more insight regarding “why” you think, feel and do the things you do. Check out the video below to see the group leaders who will be participating. You can learn more about the retreat by visiting www.husbandmaterial.com/retreat.
“Why should I believe him,” Brenda asked me about her husband, who told her he has not watched pornography for more than nine months. “Tell me why I should trust his man just because he tells me he’s no longer watching it. I have heard him make these claims many times, only to have my heart broken again and again because he was lying.”
Women like Brenda have every right to question the sincerity of their partners, especially if there has been a history of lying, deceit, and gaslighting. It is challenging for them to forget the painful falsehoods and give their partner yet another opportunity.
So how do you know if your partner is on the road to recovery from his struggle? I believe you need to see the ‘new guy’ in your relationship.
“It’s so hard to believe he is telling me the truth when I see so many of the same behaviors,” said Kelly of her husband Carl, who used to spend endless hours late at night webcamming with escorts. “He’s not online late at night anymore, but still lies about small things, he doesn’t help me around the house, he never talks, and the phone is always in his hand. He is the same guy, except he says he’s no longer chatting with sluts. Sorry, but I don’t buy it.”
And there you have it. Carl may no longer be engaged in video chatting, but he is the same guy who was being unfaithful to Kelly. It’s no wonder she doesn’t trust him when he says he has changed. Because with the exception of removing the destructive online behavior, he has done nothing to change and become the man she would like him to be.
So, what is going on here?
In my private practice, where I work exclusively with men struggling with sexual and pornography addictions, I have identified significant character deficiencies that I believe plague all of these men. Looking at the chart below, you can see eight key issues that prevent men from becoming the ‘new guy’ and experiencing rewarding and joyful relationships.
The characteristics I have identified are:
Avoids emotional pain
Lacks curiosity
Struggles to connect
Inwardly focused (selfish)
Limited interests or passions
Low emotional IQ
Lacks mindfulness
Unresolved childhood pain points
Based on my work with this client population, I estimate that 90% of men who struggle with compulsive sex and pornography display at least six of these characteristics, and this causes issues when trying to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships. Moreover, I always believe at the root of these issues is a lack of proper nurturing during the critical development years of childhood.
A vast majority of these men had parents who could not nurture them or teach them how to deal with emotional distress. Without that importance guidance, these individuals were left to determine on their own how to cope with emotional pain and provide themselves with comfort. As children, with thinking that is emotionally based and without vast worldly experiences, they came up with a simple solution to this dilemma – I won’t think about it. So they distracted themselves with too much television, fantasy play, food, etc. Somewhere along the way they stumbled across sexual activity and discovered this was the most effective of all forms of distractions and stimulation. And it soon became their go-to drug to eliminate emotional distress.
Now, as adults, they still run away from emotional pain with destructive behaviors such as compulsive sex and pornography.
Men who wish to experience real joy and happiness in their relationships need to work on the character issues outlined above. They must strive to become better men, husbands, fathers, sons, coworkers, and friends. And it all starts by working on these eight characteristics.
In the coming weeks, I will be breaking down each of these areas and outlining steps and tools that can lead to these men toward becoming the new guy.
Now that most state legislative sessions are in full swing, we’ve been having a lot of great movement and updates with our initiatives. As you may know, we supremely focused on bringing attention and solutions to the proliferation of pornography in our country today. Check out what’s happening.
Ohio
Thanks to everyone’s recent support in reaching out to offices in Ohio for HR180 declaring pornography a crisis, and it passed out of committee! We had such a good response from people that had emailed and called legislators. It was humbling. The resolution will go back up for vote in a couple weeks and we will keep you informed with the progress!
Congress
Last month, we met with U.S. Congresswoman Vicky Hartzler regarding a federal solution to fighting pornography. Thanks to Russ White (CCV), and Donna Rice Hughes (EIE) for joining. It is time for the U.S. to take a big step to getting online pornography away from children, and thanks to all of those who have signed our petition calling for a federal age-verification solution. We are making great headway to make this a reality.
Tennessee
The Safer Internet for Minors Act has been introduced and is moving well. This bill will require Internet provider to filter obscene/pornographic websites by default for customers, and much needed parental control features with service. So far the public has been mostly kind with attention from the AFA, The Activist Mommy, Technical Politics, and more. The bill is set for a hearing the second week of March and we are excited about our champion legislators who are boldly moving this forward.
South Carolina
We are excited about the progress in South Carolina. Madeline Johnson, our University Director, has been working closely with State Representative Anne Thayer on drafting of the resolution declaring pornography a health crisis. Accompanied by her friend Colby Calloway, these two on-fire college students, are making such a difference. Madeline recently spoke at an event with legislators and garnered a handful of co-sponsors to the resolution.
Missouri
HCR 72 is headed to the Missouri House floor and will move to the Senate soon! This bill is way ahead of ideal schedule to be passed. Thanks to Uriah Stark for galvanizing this effort to officially recognize the health hazard of pornography. Also, because of the idea and organization efforts of Uriah, NDC held its first ever Rally for Decency with amazing speakers and advocates such as Russ Tuttle, Allissa Johnson, and more.
Would you like to join our team?
We are a passionate tight knit group of volunteers that join for a conference-call every other week and meet up yearly in the nation’s capital. For more information about joining the National Decency Coalition, go to: https://decencyusa.org/volunteer. We would love to have you be part of our team.
It’s probably not a question men often ponder. But we should. In fact, it’s perhaps one of the most critical issues we should address. Why? Because whether we like it or not, we are role models. People are watching us. And when they’re watching, they are observing how we:
Respond to conflict
Treat others
Approach our work and responsibilities
Act in moments when integrity counts most
Honor our wives
Whether we realize it or not, people are watching. These include our spouse, children, co-workers, friends, and neighbors. And what they’re observing is the establishing of our legacy – the way people will remember us.
But there is cancer that is destroying the legacies of many men in our world today. It’s called pornography.
“It’s difficult to look at him the same way since finding out about his pornography addiction,” said Mark, a 24-year-old whose father confessed after his 33-year addiction was discovered. “It’s not that I don’t love him anymore, but my image of the man who always did the right thing has been tainted by the pain he caused my mother.”
Whether your spouse and children are aware of your pornography use, you are cheating them. The image they hold of you is nothing more than a façade. Each day, thousands of men are caught engaging in the selfish pleasure of pornography, which results in the breaking of their wives’ and children’s hearts. It is a betrayal that destroys marriages and robs children of their innocence.
“My husband left his pornography unattended, and our 12-year-old son stumbled across it,” says one mother. “My son then started to act out what he saw with his 9-year-old sister. My husband’s filthy habit forever damaged both of my children. Bringing pornography into our home destroyed all of our lives, and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him.”
As men, we can do many things our loved ones respect and admire. But all those deeds are undermined when we allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness of pornography. Failing to get control of our lust can ruin everything we worked hard to achieve while leaving the ones we love seeing us through tainted lenses.
“People in our community look up to him, and he is a Deacon in our church,” remarks Suzanne, who continues to struggle with feelings of betrayal after discovering her husband’s long-time pornography use. “But the image he portrays is phony. He’s not the man they think he is. When I hear someone praise him, I cringe. Yet, he keeps up the charade, which leads me to continue to lose whatever respect I still have for him.”
As men, we must challenge ourselves to uncover the insights behind our use of pornography. You don’t engage because of a pang of uncontrollable sexual hunger. Instead, pornography is a tool to distract yourself from emotional distress. And in many cases, you may not be conscious of the emotional pain.
In his book, Unwanted, Jay Stringer sums up the rationale for pornography is a wonderful word picture. “How did I get there? One way of thinking about unwanted sexual behavior is to see it as the convergence of two rivers; your past and the difficulties you face in the present.”
To become a man of integrity, we need to understand better our emotional hurts and how they occurred. That takes serious self-reflection and courage. It’s not an easy process, but it is gratifying and fruitful. There is no doubt pornography serves as an excellent tool to help men escape painful feelings. But it’s also a damaging tool that kills legacies.
