Take a listen to this podcast from the folks at AffairRecovery.com and learn “why” we do the things we don’t want to do. Discover how you can become empowered by understanding the rationales behind your sexual behaviors and how to stop them by staying one step ahead of the Inner Child.
No more do you need to wonder “why” has sex had a stronghold on my life. You can now discover the answers that will help you manage your sex or porn addiction. And when you are done watching the video go to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com to learn more and to sign up for our newsletter.
So how are you doing with the porn problem you keep saying you’re going to tackle? Are you still struggling? Are you attempting to keep it hidden from your family, friends, and co-workers? Are you still living with the shame of not being able to stop?
Well, you are far from alone. Millions of men are in the same predicament. Each time they succumb to the images, they promise themselves, “that was the last time.” But it’s not.
Studies show 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites, and 70% of men ages 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once per month. The most active group engaged in online porn is men, ages 35 and 49. It is estimated 3-5% of the population has a pornography addiction. I told you, you’re not alone.
For a fifth consecutive year, Men Against Porn is sponsoring its annual Give Up Lust for Lent campaign, where Christian men are encouraged to take the steps necessary to put them on the right pathway in managing their pornography problem.
Each year, the response to this campaign has been positive with men taking the leap to rid themselves of this decaying habit that wears upon their integrity and shakes their position as spiritual leaders of their home.
Once again, the season of Lent is upon us, and it’s time to ask men to exam their hearts and ask God for the strength to turn away from pornography, as well as illicit chat rooms, massage parlors, affairs, strip clubs, and other activities that demean women and dishonor their wives.
You may be shocked to know this addiction is not about sex but instead is an intimacy disorder. Men abuse sex to distract themselves from emotional distress that often is subconscious. In dealing with an addiction, understanding the root cause of why it developed is a significant factor in recovery.
As we enter the season of Lent here are several steps you can take to begin the process of removing a porn addiction from your life:
1. Admit your struggles.
Denial is a stumbling block for all addicts. The inability to see the potential destruction their actions cause leaves many people struggling needlessly. Ask God to help you examine your heart and make you aware that you need assistance. “Moreover, the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.” Deuteronomy 30: 6.
2. Ask for help.
Removing sexual sin from our lives is something we can’t do on our own. We need assistance and accountability. Seek out a trained professional and/or support group to help you get your journey going. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16
3. Do it now.
There will always be a reason to put it off, including the long-term rationale, “I will try harder and commit myself never to do it again.” But that approach rarely works. You need insight about yourself and why you use sex to soothe your emotional pain. You need to identify the core emotional triggers that lead to your acting out. You must create exit strategies that will help you escape temptation. It would be best if you had a community that will support, encourage, and, most importantly, provide accountability as you travel
along in your journey.
4. Check our blogs and articles for resources.
Visit the MenAgainstPorn.org website and check out our blog for articles and resources that can assist you on your journey. Structure and self-care are essential components to beating this problem. We can show you how.
On Feb. 26, join your brothers in a mission to re-build your integrity and strengthen your legacy. Take the steps needed to honor yourself, your spouse, and God. Make a commitment to Give Up Lust for Lent.
By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS
“I don’t want to be here,” said Amanda shaking her head slowly with tears running down her cheeks. “Three days ago, I was a care-free wife, and today I’m in a counseling office next to a man who supposedly is my loving and faithful husband, but instead I find out he looks at porn and has been with prostitutes. I didn’t sign up for this. This wasn’t the life I was promised by him!”
Unfortunately, with the rapid increase in the number of sexual and pornography addiction cases, more wives are waking up from what they thought was a dream marriage only to discover they have landed in the middle of a dark and ugly Grimms’ fairy-tale. The shock of having your safe and peaceful world collapse around you leaves a woman in a state of trauma as she discovers her husband’s sexual wrongdoings and deception.
“I don’t know my husband,” said Kaye, whose husband admitted to having countless one-night encounters with women he met on hook-up apps. “Twenty-two years of a sham marriage. It meant nothing to him. It was all lies, and I was too naive to recognize it. Stupid me.”
To our wives, we’re no longer white knights, but instead, we look like ogres. So, what now?
Our goal is to work in helping our wives to one day experience a new sense of security and certainy. A security that is demonstrated in our ability to manage our sexual/porn addiction; and certainty that is shown in our commitment to become the “new guy,” who possesses a changed heart and priorities that focus on her and family.
So, how do we achieve this? Well, here are just four ideas to get you started.
1. We practice honesty, honesty, honesty. Our wives should expect and deserve nothing less from us. But this new transparency reaches far beyond our openness with any sexual struggles and should cover all aspects of our lives. We hide nothing and share everything. There are no more secrets. And we don’t hold back information in fear of their response. We’re an open book.
2. We become outwardly focus. For too long, most of us have been running through life with our heads down and trapped in our own heads. It’s now time to lift our heads high and become alert and focused on our surroundings and especially the needs and desires of those we love. After God, they become our most important commitment.
3. We learn to express our emotions. Yikes! Yes, it’s the “e” word, but it’s one of the most critical aspects to recovery and helping our wives feel secure. Knowing how to identify and express our emotions – beyond anger, sadness, happiness, and fear – shows we are holding nothing back and that we genuinely want to be in a relationship rooted in emotional intimacy. Now we’re talking about real change.
4. We’re willing to sit with her pain. Here is where too many guys fail to make the grade. I call it walking into the fire (see my previous article on this subject). During her recovery, you may see times where everything has calmed down, which may give you the impression that she’s healed. You couldn’t be more wrong. That is why it’s essential during these times to reach out and ask her about her healing process. Stop laughing. I’m serious. That’s why I call it walking into the fire because you probably are going to get burnt. But the risk is worth the reward because the underlining message you send her is, “I will sit here with you in your pain.” And believe me, that’s huge.
There’s no doubt we have crushed her world. We have disappointed and betrayed. However, we can’t stay stuck in feelings of guilt and shame. Instead, we must move forward by taking positive actions that over time, will once again provide her with a sense of security. And that takes time, hard work, and patience on our part. If we are committed to changing our heart, together we have the opportunity to live out the marriage she always dreamed of.
Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS is a licensed professional counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA. He is certified in the treatment of sexual and pornography addiction. He is the author of the book, Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. His latest book, “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” will be published in February 2020.
By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS
Charlie came into the counseling office looking very despondent. “I don’t understand what happened this week,” he said. “Carrie had been doing so well and I have not seen her angry in more than a month. Then she just exploded. Crying, throwing things, cursing at me. I thought we were good. What happened?”
Charlie is a recovering pornography addict who has been in therapy for nearly one year and his wife, Carrie, is working on her own betrayal recovery. What Charlie encountered is not unusual for a couple doing the intense work to get their marriage back on track.
What Carrie experienced was another bout of grieve over the betrayal she experienced from Charlie’s use of pornography during their marriage. What happened with Carrie is simply part of the recovery process. Men tend to forget the average recovery time for a woman dealing with betrayal is 12-24 months. But it could take 3-5 years for healing to be complete.
Over the past month, Carrie had been practicing self-soothing when she was feeling angry or sad as she thought about Charlie’s actions. She was trying to reduce the amount of negativity she was experiencing when spending time with her husband.
There is nothing wrong with Carrie trying to stay more positive around Charlie, her only mistake was she should have told him what she was attempting to do. This would have helped set Charlie’s expectations about her recovery.
But he also made mistakes.
Enjoying the stability of a peaceful home, Charlie didn’t take opportunity to ask Carrie how she was dealing with her recovery. If he had, she most likely would have shared any emotions that were troubling her, instead of holding them in.
His second error was mistaking Carrie’s calm demeanor to indicate she was no longer emotionally or mentally troubled by his pornography addiction. As I tell my male clients, while your wife may be presenting a calm and peaceful appearance do not underestimate the amount of emotional and mental distress that still lies under the surface.
A woman’s grieving is like ocean waves. There are periods in which their negative emotions are large and powerful, and these can feel overwhelming. There are other times when they are smaller and seem calm. This can give off mix messages and lead men to have a false impression everything is back to normal.
Wrong.
First, things are never going back to normal. She doesn’t want to return to the marriage you had. For her, the marriage is tainted and dirty. She wants to take the relationship in a new direction that brings a renewed sense of hope and healing. And you need to go there with her.
Second, she is looking for the “new guy”. Recently, a wife who was struggling to re-engage with her husband after nearly a year of recovery work, put it this way, “on one hand there is my husband who cheated on me with multiple women. On the other hand, is my husband who no longer cheats on me. So, tell me, what’s the difference between them?”
It is critical a partner understands the changes being made by the man in recovery. She needs to know there is something different about him that will enable him to guard her heart and make healthy decisions. And if you don’t explain to her how the “old guy” has changed, you are leaving her in the dark.
In order not to be blindsided like Charlie, take the following three steps in working with your partner:
1. At least once a week, ask your spouse how she is doing with her recovery. If she simply says “ok”, follow up by asking what has happened that she is now feeling “ok”.
2. Make it a point to check in with your partner on a regular basis and share with her what you are learning in your recovery. More importantly, communicate how the insights you are learning are helping to change you to become the “new” guy.
3. Be fully aware of the time a woman needs to heal from betrayal and understand although at times she may seem calm and peaceful under the surface could still be a great deal of fear and emotional pain.
This is an open and anonymous letter that we’ve received at MenAgainstPorn. We believe this is a message that must be heard by everyone. Please, share this with your friends and family and encourage others to join this worthy cause!
#enoughisenough
I Fight Too
To the man who stole my husband’s innocence,
I know.
You didn’t physically harm him.
You didn’t physically introduce him to the world of sexuality.
You didn’t touch him inappropriately.
You didn’t intentionally steal from his mind. I know.
But the truth is, you did.
For many years I have had nothing but compassion for you. I know your story didn’t just happen. I know that somewhere along the way you were a victim. I also know that only now, as a mature adult, have you recognised the need and found the willingness to face your greatest battle – your addiction to pornography. You have much to be proud of because you have fought and you continue to fight.
Still, I need to tell you that you are not the only victim in this struggle that you fight daily.
I have stood beside your wife as she cried the tears of a lifetime’s worth of hurt. Standing in my kitchen she explained that she knew she could have walked away but she didn’t because she never felt God calling her to. Her strength to stay with you despite her emotional pain is honestly honourable.
She refuses to give up on you; you are blessed to be loved by her.
Unfortunately, I know how she feels. You stole my husband’s innocence.
He was a child.
A CHILD!
He was exposed to pornography within your home despite your ‘efforts’ to cover your tracks. As I write this, I process the enormity of your failure to protect his mind.
Suddenly, I understand why I have never seen the look of complete passion and desire for me in my husband’s eyes.
He has seen it all before.
Suddenly, I understand why I need to initiate most intimate moments with him Because what I have to offer is nothing compared to what you made available to him.
The difference, though, is that what I offer is real.
What you offered, while exciting, was fake.
He is a man who chose to fight this battle before you did.
He didn’t want to be you.
He isn’t you.
He wanted to hold his wife close to his heart and love her without confusion or blemish. He does a great job, but he can’t do this completely. He loves me more than I had ever anticipated someone could, yes.
But there is a small part of him that I can’t undo.
This is the part that you are responsible for.
Yes.
I!
Blame!
You!
I blame you for not being the father he needed. I blame you for stealing something from him that I too have to live with. I blame you because I can’t experience the freedom of a normal, happy and healthy sex life without thoughts of not being enough. Many times, I even question if I am a repulsive human being.
Why else would he squirm when I touch him?
Why else would he shy away from compliments or comments of desire?
You’ve confused him and I blame you.
I!
Blame!
You!
Marriage is supposed to be a place of exploration – of one’s self, of spirituality, and of sexuality. I’ve had some truly beautiful moments with your son but intimacy has always been and may always be a struggle.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve googled ‘husband not interested in sex’. This has become my secret. Generally, it is the woman who is less interested in sex. But I struggle with not understanding why the opposite is true in our relationship. I feel rejected. For years now, I have wondered, ‘What is it about me?’ I see things more clearly now and I have decided to free myself of this burden. I now embrace whatever sexual activity I’m invited to explore and I understand that my husband’s innocence was taken.
I’m no saint. I had partners before your son. Perhaps the remembrance of those relationships is the only way I’ve kept myself sane some days. To know that I was once wanted in a sexual way is somewhat reassuring. But in those relationships, I wasn’t wanted for the person I am. I was wanted more for the fun that was shared. When your son doesn’t want me, I now know, it’s not me.
Sadly, it’s what you did to him as a child.
I.
Blame.
You.
But, I forgive you.
My relationship with your son hasn’t been without hurt.
On two occasions, I’ve found evidence that inappropriate websites had been viewed. Additionally, your son has confided in me that he was tempted to go elsewhere for a bit of ‘stress relief’ too. God knows how much I hate those ‘massage parlours’. He broke me completely when he told me about that. Why was it okay for a stranger to touch him when I have to defend myself when I simply rub his back? A great comfort for me at that point in our marriage was that I had begun feeling sexy and confident. I still don’t know what brought about the change in my self-confidence, but I look back at photos of myself at around that time and I see someone who felt good. I had confidence in myself regardless of his ability to see me that way.
My point is this: our marriage hasn’t been perfect but it’s been good. Really good.
Much of our expression of love has been tainted though. For the first time in our marriage I am freeing myself of the sadness and the self-imposed responsibility I have carried. I can see that this is bigger than me.
I can see that I have a man who was broken as a little boy because you didn’t protect him.
I forgive you. But I need you to know, you are not the only one who fights this battle.
I Fight Too!
Over fifty million students, K – 12th grade, attend public schools every day in the good Ol’ US of A.
Parents hope they send their kids off to learn important subjects like math, reading skills, science, the arts, etc. More and more, however, it seems that learning how to be a porn-star, or sex-slaves subservient to the uncontrollable desires of teen-aged (mainly male) porn addicts, is also a part of the national curriculum!
At least, that’s the case in one Brooklyn school where a thirteen year-old boy lured a seventeen year-old girl with learning disabilities into a bathroom to an ensemble of 6 boys-in-waiting, ready to have her perform sex at their command.
Yeah, you heard that right. A thirteen year-old boy lured a female student (one struggling with disabilities) into a bathroom and watched as his cadre of porn-induced criminals demanded sex and assaulted her at the very core of her being.
Parents, do you know where your daughter is right now?
In school?
Learning what, do you suppose?
This is the type of thing (preteen/teen sexual exploitation and assault) that happens to a nation that’s been tolerant of pornography for so terribly long. This is, as it were, a natural outcome of a generation hooked on porn.
Some might argue that porn and porn addiction may have nothing to do with this case. And, while the facts are still pouring in on that case, let me present some other facts that help us see just how desperately addicted to pornography the children of this nation have become.
- Studies show that nearly 50% of children ages ten to seventeen are consistently consuming porn online.
- Twenty-five percent of all internet searches (about 68 million) are related to porn.
- Of the forty-two percent of teen-age boys who admit to viewing porn within the last twelve months, sixty-six percent of them report it as unwanted exposure.
- 116,000 searches PER DAY are related to child pornography.
- Ever thirty-nine minutes a new porn film or video is created.
- Nearly thirty percent of teenagers admit to sending nude photos or emails, which is a form of porn-production in its own right.
- Thirty-five percent of all downloads are pornographic.
Sick to your stomach yet?
Well, we’ve not even begun to consider the full ramifications of behavioral disorders such consumption is producing. Ramifications like an innocent young girl being sexually assaulted by her classmates while attending school.
Consider, for example a 2016 meta-analysis of porn which revealed that teens who regularly consume porn reported experiences of reinforcing gender stereotypes, earlier sexual debut, experimentation with casual sex, and, most importantly, increased sexual aggression against others both as perpetrators and victims.
We may not all be addicted to porn, but we’re all porn-addicts now!
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that these boys who abused this girl have been and are actively consuming porn. It’s odd that the paper refers to the girl as the one with the disability. It’s clear, to me at least, that it’s the boys who are acting in sub-human ways.
While, as a dad, I’d like to see these boys punished to the fullest extent of the law. What I’d like most is an investigation into what fuels this behavior and then hold the guilty parties responsible.
The guilty? The folks who are producing and distributing porn at a break-neck clip.
Join the fight today.
Let’s see these boys held accountable as well as those who have profited off of their addiction.
Let’s live to see the end of porn in our lifetime!
Biz with MenAgainstPorn
Sources
http://enough.org/stats-youth-and-porn
https://www.webroot.com/us/en/home/resources/tips/digital-family-life/internet-pornography-by-the-numbers
http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/10/04/how-much-porn-is-your-kid-watching.html
