Take a listen to this podcast from the folks at AffairRecovery.com and learn “why” we do the things we don’t want to do. Discover how you can become empowered by understanding the rationales behind your sexual behaviors and how to stop them by staying one step ahead of the Inner Child.
No more do you need to wonder “why” has sex had a stronghold on my life. You can now discover the answers that will help you manage your sex or porn addiction. And when you are done watching the video go to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com to learn more and to sign up for our newsletter.
So how are you doing with the porn problem you keep saying you’re going to tackle? Are you still struggling? Are you attempting to keep it hidden from your family, friends, and co-workers? Are you still living with the shame of not being able to stop?
Well, you are far from alone. Millions of men are in the same predicament. Each time they succumb to the images, they promise themselves, “that was the last time.” But it’s not.
Studies show 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites, and 70% of men ages 18 to 24 visit a porn site at least once per month. The most active group engaged in online porn is men, ages 35 and 49. It is estimated 3-5% of the population has a pornography addiction. I told you, you’re not alone.
For a fifth consecutive year, Men Against Porn is sponsoring its annual Give Up Lust for Lent campaign, where Christian men are encouraged to take the steps necessary to put them on the right pathway in managing their pornography problem.
Each year, the response to this campaign has been positive with men taking the leap to rid themselves of this decaying habit that wears upon their integrity and shakes their position as spiritual leaders of their home.
Once again, the season of Lent is upon us, and it’s time to ask men to exam their hearts and ask God for the strength to turn away from pornography, as well as illicit chat rooms, massage parlors, affairs, strip clubs, and other activities that demean women and dishonor their wives.
You may be shocked to know this addiction is not about sex but instead is an intimacy disorder. Men abuse sex to distract themselves from emotional distress that often is subconscious. In dealing with an addiction, understanding the root cause of why it developed is a significant factor in recovery.
As we enter the season of Lent here are several steps you can take to begin the process of removing a porn addiction from your life:
1. Admit your struggles.
Denial is a stumbling block for all addicts. The inability to see the potential destruction their actions cause leaves many people struggling needlessly. Ask God to help you examine your heart and make you aware that you need assistance. “Moreover, the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.” Deuteronomy 30: 6.
2. Ask for help.
Removing sexual sin from our lives is something we can’t do on our own. We need assistance and accountability. Seek out a trained professional and/or support group to help you get your journey going. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16
3. Do it now.
There will always be a reason to put it off, including the long-term rationale, “I will try harder and commit myself never to do it again.” But that approach rarely works. You need insight about yourself and why you use sex to soothe your emotional pain. You need to identify the core emotional triggers that lead to your acting out. You must create exit strategies that will help you escape temptation. It would be best if you had a community that will support, encourage, and, most importantly, provide accountability as you travel
along in your journey.
4. Check our blogs and articles for resources.
Visit the MenAgainstPorn.org website and check out our blog for articles and resources that can assist you on your journey. Structure and self-care are essential components to beating this problem. We can show you how.
On Feb. 26, join your brothers in a mission to re-build your integrity and strengthen your legacy. Take the steps needed to honor yourself, your spouse, and God. Make a commitment to Give Up Lust for Lent.
By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS
“I don’t want to be here,” said Amanda shaking her head slowly with tears running down her cheeks. “Three days ago, I was a care-free wife, and today I’m in a counseling office next to a man who supposedly is my loving and faithful husband, but instead I find out he looks at porn and has been with prostitutes. I didn’t sign up for this. This wasn’t the life I was promised by him!”
Unfortunately, with the rapid increase in the number of sexual and pornography addiction cases, more wives are waking up from what they thought was a dream marriage only to discover they have landed in the middle of a dark and ugly Grimms’ fairy-tale. The shock of having your safe and peaceful world collapse around you leaves a woman in a state of trauma as she discovers her husband’s sexual wrongdoings and deception.
“I don’t know my husband,” said Kaye, whose husband admitted to having countless one-night encounters with women he met on hook-up apps. “Twenty-two years of a sham marriage. It meant nothing to him. It was all lies, and I was too naive to recognize it. Stupid me.”
To our wives, we’re no longer white knights, but instead, we look like ogres. So, what now?
Our goal is to work in helping our wives to one day experience a new sense of security and certainy. A security that is demonstrated in our ability to manage our sexual/porn addiction; and certainty that is shown in our commitment to become the “new guy,” who possesses a changed heart and priorities that focus on her and family.
So, how do we achieve this? Well, here are just four ideas to get you started.
1. We practice honesty, honesty, honesty. Our wives should expect and deserve nothing less from us. But this new transparency reaches far beyond our openness with any sexual struggles and should cover all aspects of our lives. We hide nothing and share everything. There are no more secrets. And we don’t hold back information in fear of their response. We’re an open book.
2. We become outwardly focus. For too long, most of us have been running through life with our heads down and trapped in our own heads. It’s now time to lift our heads high and become alert and focused on our surroundings and especially the needs and desires of those we love. After God, they become our most important commitment.
3. We learn to express our emotions. Yikes! Yes, it’s the “e” word, but it’s one of the most critical aspects to recovery and helping our wives feel secure. Knowing how to identify and express our emotions – beyond anger, sadness, happiness, and fear – shows we are holding nothing back and that we genuinely want to be in a relationship rooted in emotional intimacy. Now we’re talking about real change.
4. We’re willing to sit with her pain. Here is where too many guys fail to make the grade. I call it walking into the fire (see my previous article on this subject). During her recovery, you may see times where everything has calmed down, which may give you the impression that she’s healed. You couldn’t be more wrong. That is why it’s essential during these times to reach out and ask her about her healing process. Stop laughing. I’m serious. That’s why I call it walking into the fire because you probably are going to get burnt. But the risk is worth the reward because the underlining message you send her is, “I will sit here with you in your pain.” And believe me, that’s huge.
There’s no doubt we have crushed her world. We have disappointed and betrayed. However, we can’t stay stuck in feelings of guilt and shame. Instead, we must move forward by taking positive actions that over time, will once again provide her with a sense of security. And that takes time, hard work, and patience on our part. If we are committed to changing our heart, together we have the opportunity to live out the marriage she always dreamed of.
Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS is a licensed professional counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA. He is certified in the treatment of sexual and pornography addiction. He is the author of the book, Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. His latest book, “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” will be published in February 2020.
