It’s probably not a question men often ponder. But we should. In fact, it’s perhaps one of the most critical issues we should address. Why? Because whether we like it or not, we are role models. People are watching us. And when they’re watching, they are observing how we:
Respond to conflict
Treat others
Approach our work and responsibilities
Act in moments when integrity counts most
Honor our wives
Whether we realize it or not, people are watching. These include our spouse, children, co-workers, friends, and neighbors. And what they’re observing is the establishing of our legacy – the way people will remember us.
But there is cancer that is destroying the legacies of many men in our world today. It’s called pornography.
“It’s difficult to look at him the same way since finding out about his pornography addiction,” said Mark, a 24-year-old whose father confessed after his 33-year addiction was discovered. “It’s not that I don’t love him anymore, but my image of the man who always did the right thing has been tainted by the pain he caused my mother.”
Whether your spouse and children are aware of your pornography use, you are cheating them. The image they hold of you is nothing more than a façade. Each day, thousands of men are caught engaging in the selfish pleasure of pornography, which results in the breaking of their wives’ and children’s hearts. It is a betrayal that destroys marriages and robs children of their innocence.
“My husband left his pornography unattended, and our 12-year-old son stumbled across it,” says one mother. “My son then started to act out what he saw with his 9-year-old sister. My husband’s filthy habit forever damaged both of my children. Bringing pornography into our home destroyed all of our lives, and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him.”
As men, we can do many things our loved ones respect and admire. But all those deeds are undermined when we allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness of pornography. Failing to get control of our lust can ruin everything we worked hard to achieve while leaving the ones we love seeing us through tainted lenses.
“People in our community look up to him, and he is a Deacon in our church,” remarks Suzanne, who continues to struggle with feelings of betrayal after discovering her husband’s long-time pornography use. “But the image he portrays is phony. He’s not the man they think he is. When I hear someone praise him, I cringe. Yet, he keeps up the charade, which leads me to continue to lose whatever respect I still have for him.”
As men, we must challenge ourselves to uncover the insights behind our use of pornography. You don’t engage because of a pang of uncontrollable sexual hunger. Instead, pornography is a tool to distract yourself from emotional distress. And in many cases, you may not be conscious of the emotional pain.
In his book, Unwanted, Jay Stringer sums up the rationale for pornography is a wonderful word picture. “How did I get there? One way of thinking about unwanted sexual behavior is to see it as the convergence of two rivers; your past and the difficulties you face in the present.”
To become a man of integrity, we need to understand better our emotional hurts and how they occurred. That takes serious self-reflection and courage. It’s not an easy process, but it is gratifying and fruitful. There is no doubt pornography serves as an excellent tool to help men escape painful feelings. But it’s also a damaging tool that kills legacies.
As a counselor who specializes in sexual and pornography addiction treatment, I see many men who battle with shame because of their inability to manage their addiction. They believe they have failed their loved ones, themselves, and God. They struggle to believe God would want to have anything to do with them. And they can’t be more incorrect.
Today, guest columnist Tom Moucka, the president of Samson Society, an organization dedicated to helping men move beyond pornography, shares how Jesus never judges or shames us. That despite our brokenness, He sees the individual that God created.
Mark 5:1-10
They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him. This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain. For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and in the hills, he would cry out and cut himself with stones.
When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name, don’t torture me!” For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!”
Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”
“My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.” And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.
This poor man is a heartbreaking character. He lived in cave-like tombs where people laid the bodies of their dead to decompose so they could gather the bones and repeat. He had lost his mind to the control of wicked spirits, and over the years, people tried over and over again to bind him with ropes and even chains. Like the beast in “Beauty and the Beast”, he was ostracized and feared. His pain, external and internal, must have been crushingly unbearable, horrific and relentless. He even cuts himself in a desperate attempt for control over his
Intuitively, or prompted by the wicked spirits, he recognizes Jesus as the Son of the Most High God and begs for mercy. Was it a last-ditch effort or simple acknowledgment? No one knows, but Jesus sizes up the situation quickly, looks at the man but speaks directly to the spirit. It is a beautiful mixture of authority and compassion. He doesn’t fault the man. He knows the man no longer has a personal identity, his trauma is so deep he is the home of so much darkness they self-identify as “legion.” No matter how dark our situation is, in the company of Jesus we are safe. He will always love us as we are, where we are, for who we are. The good news is, no matter how deep the hurt, or dark the darkness, he can love us back to him.
New Book Outlines How the Road to Recovery from Sex/Porn Addiction Goes Through Our Childhood
“Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction” outlines a cutting-edge approach to treating sex/porn addiction, a disorder that is reaching epidemic portions. Author Eddie Capparucci, LPC, C-CSAS, developed the Inner Child Recovery Process for Sex/Porn Addiction (ICRP) based on years of success in treating men suffering from the disorder. The book is scheduled for release on Feb. 13, 2020.
The key to the ICRP is answering the “why” question. “Why have sex and pornography overtaken my life?” And the answer to that question can be found in the Inner Child. The inner child is a storage unit filled with pain points from childhood and teen years that have been repressed.
Capparucci has identified 9 inner children, each with unique emotional stressors based on past pain points. When a negative event – minor or major – occurs in the daily life of an addict, his inner child immediately searches the storage unit to determine if the current event correlates with a past emotional wound. And if he finds a match – the addiction cascade is set in motion.
Why? Because the inner child is trapped in a time warp surrounded by frightening memories, and when one of those pain points erupt, the kid desires to seek comfort. And he has learned, sex is a remarkable source of comfort.
Some of the 9 children include the Bored Child, the Emotionally Voided Child, the Unnoticed Child, and the Unaffirmed Child. Each child has his own core emotional triggers based on the pain points faced as a youngster. During therapy, clients identify the children they resonate with most, which leads them to compile their unique list of core emotional triggers that activate their addiction. It is not unusual for a client to associate with three or more of the nine children.
The book has been endorsed by major leaders in the behavioral addiction field including Dr. Rob Weiss, PhD, MSW, an expert in the treatment of adult intimacy disorders and addictions and author of numerous books including Sex Addiction 101.
“This is an excellent and necessary examination of the ‘why’ of sex and porn addiction, helpful primarily to men in sexual recovery who’ve established initial sobriety and need deeper, longer-term work to heal and remain sober,” says Dr. Weiss.
ICRP also is extremely beneficial for the spouses/partners of the addicted individuals in providing them with valuable insight into the rationale why their partners betray them. This, in turn, helps to reduce the spouse/partner’s feelings of inadequacy as well as provides empathy, which is needed to help restore relationships.
Copies of “Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction”will be available at all major booksellers, including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Abebooks.com, and other online book retailers. Preordering is now available on those sites.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17
Knowing there are powerful forces arrayed against us, Paul says the day of evil will come, we just don’t know when. So he says we are to put on our armor every day, in the same way, we dress ourselves every morning. Truth is the foundation, righteousness protects our torso like a bulletproof vest, our boots are the gospel of peace which gives us a sense of prepared confidence, our shield is our faith, our helmet is our salvation, and the scriptures act like a sword the Holy Spirit has taught us to use. The point here is, it is a battle we must be prepared to fight at any moment – hand-to-hand combat with a powerful enemy. The weapons God has provided for us take practice to become proficient with over time. That’s why we do these devotions every day. We ponder the truth, we learn the righteousness and peace of Christ are ours, our faith grows and our minds are renewed as we soak in God’s word and lift up our hearts in prayer . . . daily. That’s the key. We must stick with this discipline over time. And with time our ability to fight the enemy will strengthen more and more. We can’t let up; the fight will come… And one more thing: we need to pass these weapons on to our children and grandchildren – their battles will be even more fearsome than our own.
To find out more information about the amazing work being done by Samson House who men struggling with sexual impurity check out its website at: www.samsonsociety.com
My son once asked me, “Dad, if you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be?” To his surprise, I said, “I wish I would have told someone sooner about the sexual abuse I suffered and endured as a child for 3 years.”
Kendall wasn’t as surprised by what I said as he was by what I didn’t say. I didn’t tell him I would’ve change any of the following:
· My father abandoning me when I was 2 years old
· My mother abusing throughout my childhood years
· His mother divorcing me after my porn addiction and multiple affairs
· Or even the family member abusing me
And when he asked me “Why not?” I told him, “Because you can’t control the choices and actions of others; however, you can control how you choose to respond to the actions of others.”
Most men who’ve struggled, as I did, with porn and sexual addiction are used to suffering in silence. Our hope is that we’ll be able to eventually strong-will ourselves into resisting and abstaining from acting on every lustful impulse or desire. We will attempt to use porn filters on our computers and cell phones; try bouncing our eyes whenever we see beautiful women; pop rubber bands on our wrist whenever we’re tempted, and need I say, try to read the best blogs or books on the subject, hoping something will miraculously “cure” us of our self-destructive behavior.
Having done all of the above mentioned, as well as attending a recovery group for 7 years, completing a 12-step program (4 times), and seeking personal and marital counseling for 3 years, I’m convinced that the most important step in breaking free from porn is one word: Connection.
The truth is, porn and any other addiction is just the opposite of connection. Porn allows us to disconnect from reality, from people, from our pain, our pressures, and our past trauma. Porn allows us to medicate, sedate, and isolate ourselves, and it keeps us from being vulnerable and transparent with the people who matter most to us.
I often say, God will only choose to heal what we reveal, not conceal. Just ask Adam and Eve. And there’s no healing without connection.
Because I chose to hold onto my secrets about the abuse, I was consumed with shame and guilt. I didn’t try to connect with those who mattered most to me; instead, I tried to hide from my pain, suppress my shame, and bury my guilt, hoping no one would ever see the internal and emotional wounds that were eating me alive.
Not only am I convinced that connection is the key to conquering porn or any addiction, I believe it’s also the key to spiritual, emotional, and mental health. Our connection to God, our family, our friends, our “battle buddies,” and those we love, is the healing balm we need for recovery and sustainable victory over porn.
Now having been porn free for 14 years, I teach the hundreds of men I mentor and coach in our Real Men 300 program (RealMen300.com) that a man is only as strong as the support (connection) he has with other men. Because ultimately, the weight of life, including porn, will always crush a man who tries to bear it alone.
I told my son, if I could go back and talk to 12-year-old me again, I would tell him:
1.“IT’S not your fault.”
2.“Tell someone you trust about IT.”
3.“Let others help you carry IT…so the healing can begin.”
I’m asking you now to do the same.
Dr. Joe Martin is an author, award-winning international speaker, and certified Man Builder. He’s the creator and founder of RealMenConnect.com and the host of the Real Men Connect podcast – the #1-rated podcast on iTunes for Christian men. He’s also a husband and father of a blended family of two. He can be reached at realmenconnect@gmail.com. His website is RealMenConnect.com.
