The definitions of the following two words come from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
Notice: to become aware of (something or someone)
Objectify: to treat as an object or cause to have objective reality
Why have I shared these definitions with you? Too often, those in recovery – both the betrayer and betrayed – get confused when determining whether or not the betrayer is struggling with street lust.
Let’s listen to a check-in that occurred between one recovering couple.
Wife: So, did you have any struggles today?
Husband: Well, I had one struggle when I stopped in a convenience store. A woman was standing off to the side, which I saw. I noticed she was attractive.
Wife: Did you look at her a second time?
Husband: No, I did not.
Wife: Then why did you say it was a struggle? You must have looked a second or third time if there was a struggle.
Husband: I saw her once and did not look for more than one second. I only observed that she was pretty and then moved on.
Wife: There must be more to the story because you told me that you were struggling, and if you thought you were struggling, that means you probably couldn’t get her out of your mind.
In this scenario, the husband did not struggle. But he believes he has done something wrong by looking in the direction of another woman and noticing her. Nothing could be further from the truth.
This husband’s actions signal a common misconception: equating noticing with struggling. However, the truth lies in discerning the intention and actions that follow the initial observation. Noticing someone’s attractiveness is a natural human response. Still, it is the subsequent behaviors that determine whether one has crossed the line into objectification.
Crossing the Line
However, if a husband engages in one of the following activities, he has moved beyond noticing and toward objectification.
1. Canvassing the area and actively scanning his surroundings for attractive individuals indicates a pursuit for visual stimulation. There is no room in recovery for people-watching. Instead, we must stay focused on our mission (why we are out in public) and redirect our attention when encountering someone attractive. The focus should turn back to our mission.
2. Turning back for a second or third look. When a man succumbs to the allure of an attractive person, dopamine amplifies, and he has crossed over into the world of objectification. Again, he has lost focus of his mission and allowed himself to be distracted.
3. You start checking out body parts. Now, this, too, is not a black-and-white situation. While it is inevitable to notice physical attributes, fixating on a woman in yoga pants is crossing the line. That is why it is critical to shift your attention and focus elsewhere. But I have worked with men who have been convinced if they saw part of a woman’s body, they are lusting. This is not true. In this case, when a man sees a woman whose clothing reveals parts of her body, he should calmly turn away and re-shift his attention. It does not become objectification until a man starts to objectify and fantasize.
4. You later use the image of the woman to fantasize and perhaps masturbate. Utilizing mental images of individuals you had earlier observed solidifies the objectification process. If you refrain from indulging in fantasy, you honor others and build your integrity muscle.
Summing It Up
Being able to distinguish between noticing and objectifying is critical for a man in recovery who wants to keep his partner feeling secure. But to accomplish this objective, he must engage in mindfulness and commit to respectfully acknowledge those around him. This commitment must identify the inherent worth of every individual he sees during his missions. Forget about bouncing your eyes and instead focus on seeing people as people and not objects.
“I have not looked at porn in over two years,” said Timmy, who has been married for 23 years and has struggled with pornography since he was 14. “But my wife still pays very little attention to me and will not reconcile sexually. It’s frustrating, and I have no idea what to do.”
Listening to Timmy, many counselors may be sympathetic toward his situation. Here is a man who has done the recovery work to remain pure from porn, yet his wife remains disengaged. Based on Timmy‘s input, some clinicians would be sympathetic toward him while condemning his wife’s actions. However, I have seen this scenario far too many times to jump to that conclusion.
You see, Timmy is one of those men who believes if he is no longer engaging in destructive behaviors, the relationship between him and his wife should be restored. However, he could not be more wrong. No longer engaging in pornography alone will not make a large majority of betrayed mates feel safe. So why is that?
Because while men like Timmy may have eliminated their bad behaviors, good behaviors that build relationships and encourage closeness are usually not exhibited. Let’s go back to Timmy’s situation.
Speaking to his wife, Taylor, she says although Timmy reports no longer looking at pornography, he is still very defensive, continuously checking his cell phone and not engaging with her and the children the way she would like despite numerous requests. Therefore, She refuses to move toward him because she does not trust he has stopped looking at pornography.
“He told me he is no longer doing that, and therefore I should believe it,” she told me. “But none of his other behaviors, which were just as troubling, have changed. I don’t see him making any positive behavioral changes that would make me feel more secure. And if he is not changing in other areas, why should I believe he no longer looks at porn?”
Who could argue with that? I certainly could not. A man in recovery needs to understand no longer engaging in bad behaviors is not enough to restore his relationship. Instead, his mate is looking to see a transformed heart and new actions that demonstrate selflessness.
The most effective way to help someone who is betrayed is through consistent actions that show “I am invested in us”. Actions such as being outwardly focused, emotionally engaged, curious, mindful, and completely transparent, to name a few. The only way to demonstrate to your partner a commitment to being faithful moving forward is by showing her a renewed heart focused on loving and honoring her always.
In my upcoming book entitled Why Men Struggle To Love, you will learn why BEING SOBER IS NOT ENOUGH and understand how to develop a transformed heart. Now available at Amazon.
Join Us For a Special Virtual Retreat Weekend Feb. 26-28
Tired of constant failure when it comes to defeating your porn/sex addiction? Are you struggling to emotionally connect and engage with loved ones? Well, there is real help available for you.
Husband Material is sponsoring a virtual retreat that will focus on helping individuals overcome porn/sex addiction and how to learn to be more emotionally connected with other.
Dr. Eddie Capparucci will demonstrate how unresolved childhood pain points lead to addictive behaviors. He also will be sharing his work in the development of the 14 Blind Spots that inhibit an individual’s ability to foster healthy intimate relationships.
The retreat will also consist of small group discussions and various exercises designed to help you gain more insight regarding “why” you think, feel and do the things you do. Check out the video below to see the group leaders who will be participating. You can learn more about the retreat by visiting www.husbandmaterial.com/retreat.
You may think the bullying you endured in middle school is far behind you. Or the insults hurled by your mother are a thing of the past. Or the beatings you took from your older sibling have been long forgotten.
But that may not be the case. In fact, a large majority of individuals who struggle with sexual or pornography addictions have unresolved childhood pain points that still haunt them today.
They encountered negative events that activate suppressed memories of emotional, mental, or physical distress suffered as children. Although the pain endures was bad enough, what made the situation worse is caregivers did not comfort these individuals in their time of need. For many reasons, parents were not emotionally available to help soothe the distress and teach that the pain will not last forever.
Instead, these children had to face traumatic events alone and their solution to dealing with the distress was to not think about the situation. And to accomplish this, they learned to distract themselves with too much television, food, or fantasy. With this defense mechanism, they had entered the beginning phase of what would become behaviors that lead to addictions.
The following is part one of a two-part interview that details how the Inner Child uses our childhood pain points to drive our sexual or pornography addictions.
Take a listen to this podcast from the folks at AffairRecovery.com and learn “why” we do the things we don’t want to do. Discover how you can become empowered by understanding the rationales behind your sexual behaviors and how to stop them by staying one step ahead of the Inner Child.
No more do you need to wonder “why” has sex had a stronghold on my life. You can now discover the answers that will help you manage your sex or porn addiction. And when you are done watching the video go to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com to learn more and to sign up for our newsletter.
